To V-bac or Not to V-bac

I am 3 1/2 weeks out from my due date. I have grown progressively bigger and bigger reaching epic proportions, my belly hangs low, I am feeling some of the tired and queasy feelings from the first tri-master creep in as I wait for the baby to come. I am perfectly happy to have this baby do a full gestation, there is still more to do like cleaning, hospital bag, food calendar, car seat installation but it would also be fine if baby came tomorrow. I would be prepared either way. I am a seasoned mom I know what to expect in the beginning and just how hard it all is. Its nice doing this the second time around, less fear of the un-known, more confidence a plan laid out before me that I know could change at any time.

I used to think I was an intuitive person. I seemed to have a somewhat psychic sense of when things were going to happen, an inner dial attuned to the subtleties of the future and what lay ahead. All of this went out the window when I had Sweetpea. Leading up to her due date and the 2 weeks she gestated past her due date I thought, "Today is the day I will birth my child. It will happen like this, this is the way." I got in the birthy zone, I had lots of contractions but the contractions would always die down and peter out. Nothing was like I thought it would be. The whole birth was a tale, which I have told earlier in this blog, complete with a hospital induction (cytotec), many hours of painful active labor and finally a 15 min. rush to surgery during transition.

My cesarean was probably the best cesarean one could have. It was sad to have to do it but it all went really smoothly. I was with a nurse I liked and had been with sense the beginning. It was so quick! 15 min. after being in labor for two days! They took her out cleaned her up and handed her to me within 5 min. She was with me the whole time; daddy was their and my midwife. There are some pictures; baby was healthy and nursed quickly like a champ after self-attaching in our room post birth. It was a little sad not to have daddy cut the cord but we were so in the present moment with getting her safely out we hardly noticed.

This time around we have two birth plans, one for cesarean and one for a natural labor. (Both include daddy cutting the cord.) I have to be open to both and I fluctuate daily on this. Some days I am fine with having a cesarean. My eye is on the prize of having a healthy baby in the end. I believe in my body and know I have no real idea of how it will go. Other days I feel like a rebellious teen ready to jump on anyone even considering giving me a cesarean. I am ready to fight tooth and nail to give birth in the most animalistic way I can think of. There is nothing tidy and organized about birth. It is smelly, raw, emotional and in your face. No matter where you do it, it is the most powerful and animal act we modern womyn get to do.

Judy Chicago

 The first time I filled myself up with stories of women giving birth orgasmically in their beds at home. This was my ideal vision of birthing. It still is and it is not what we can do right now. We cannot afford a home birth and so we picked the best v-bac doctor we could find. I am considered a good candidate and she thinks I will be able to have a successful v-bac. In order to v-bac with her I have to naturally go into labor by 40 weeks. This is the kicker that scares me the most, Sweetpea came a full 2 weeks after her due date. I will try to go for a full 40 weeks but I also have to be ok with hospital policy. Grrrrr. We did hire an awesome doula that I believe will be a good liaison between the hospital and me and daddy's vision for labor. I don't want to get my hopes up too much though. As a good friend affirmed for me "hold on tightly, let go lightly." I will carry this affirmation with me into the birthing rooms of the hospital, as I fight to let my baby come naturally and be ok with whatever needs to happen.

What a challenging place and yet a growthful one too.

Heaven on Earth

I am reading a fabulous new parenting book called "Heaven on Earth." Its focus is on the Waldorf school of thought and I am soaking it in. The book really lays out in easy steps the ways you can incorporate wild, sensual, nature play with your kids and living in a harmonious rhythm. Sweetpea is growing up in a city for now, I always imagined when I had kids I would be living on a farm. It makes me sad she is not getting that sensual earth connection of living close to the land. I think in her lifetime we will live this way but for now I am making it happen in a city way. I grew up in a small city and found lots of ways to live in the wild. In my neighborhood growing up there was secret dappled light hiding spots, flower gardens and a woodsy park. The windows open all summer long breathing in the moist hot air of summer.

I bring Millie to the park almost every day, when there we look and play with the trees but spend most of our time digging pebbles and climbing the play structures. The same in our back yard, she immediately gravitates towards the plastic toys in our yard instead of seeing the whole yard as a place to play. In the book the author talks about awakening your child's imagination to the sensory play of her environment. Today in the back yard I had us look for families of sticks. We chose two large ones for the parents and two smaller ones for the kids, and then there were the babies. We had the sticks sing to the babies, and then tied the small baby sticks to the bigger kids with springs of grass. She loved it and I loved finding toys in nature.

Side note, Millie just awoke from her nap and came in and lied on my belly, somewhere between sleep and awake she lies nestled on me, I smell her sweet baby sweat from the nap, this is very nice.

"Blessings on the Blossom
Blessings on the fruit
Blessings on the Leaves and Stem
Blessings on the Root"

I am now incorporating this earth prayer to each meal we have. It makes Millie laugh with glee whenever I say it. I see the words delighting her and reminding us both that food is sacred and its good to acknowledge that. The book even outlined a simple meal plan to follow that helps when you are super busy and hungry. The plan is to eat in categories Mexican Mondays, Pasta Thursdays, then just choose what meal you want to have from that category. We are trying it out this week, I am excited to have a framework to think about dinners, firstly so they happen and secondly so we will have more family dinner together some days of the week. I am working on Daddy and the housemates around making this happen.

This week we head to the beach for our first real family vacation in Texas. I am excited to see the gulf and be inspired by the waves. Being a coastal child I have always loved seeing the edge of the land and the expansiveness of water for miles. Sharing the ocean with Millie as a toddler will be a sentimental and pleasure filled experience.