Love For December Roses

That sense of delight, of wonder, of joy,

I spot them out of the corner of my eye, chilly winter pale across our ranch style neighborhood, then bright bursts of color as we turn the corner toward home.

Canary yellow, deep scarlet, flamingo pink, a shade of pink I want to call baby’s cheek.

They sprout from the tips of the thorniest out stretched arms of the ancient plants of my 1950’s house. Who planted them? The bottoms of the bushes look like reptile skin. How could something so rough and desert -like produce the most delicate soft balls of scent and surprise?

My memories stretch far back to an old house, crumbling at the edges, held together with duck tape and vines by the name of Terra Down. I awoke on a June morning to dew kissed peach roses tickling my nose. It was the perfect way to be woken to a new year in my early 20’s. This was a dear friend’s surprise, waking me to the world with the romantic, spicy scent of roses.  

Roses belong in June, in my birthday month. I am forever imprinted with this knowledge and memory. Yet, here it is, the bleak brown and white of December, gray is as solid as the air and then, them…

I laugh aloud as I cut the open blossoms to decorate my winter table.  A neighbor walks by with his dog, hears me giggle. I hold up the glass jar filled with blossoms and we both chuckle at the spectacle, the crazy reality of weird Oklahoma winters, the climate change that might have brought about these curiosities. Yet I can’t help but smile at the rare beauty, the mystery and marvel of roses in December.

To V-bac or Not to V-bac

I am 3 1/2 weeks out from my due date. I have grown progressively bigger and bigger reaching epic proportions, my belly hangs low, I am feeling some of the tired and queasy feelings from the first tri-master creep in as I wait for the baby to come. I am perfectly happy to have this baby do a full gestation, there is still more to do like cleaning, hospital bag, food calendar, car seat installation but it would also be fine if baby came tomorrow. I would be prepared either way. I am a seasoned mom I know what to expect in the beginning and just how hard it all is. Its nice doing this the second time around, less fear of the un-known, more confidence a plan laid out before me that I know could change at any time.

I used to think I was an intuitive person. I seemed to have a somewhat psychic sense of when things were going to happen, an inner dial attuned to the subtleties of the future and what lay ahead. All of this went out the window when I had Sweetpea. Leading up to her due date and the 2 weeks she gestated past her due date I thought, "Today is the day I will birth my child. It will happen like this, this is the way." I got in the birthy zone, I had lots of contractions but the contractions would always die down and peter out. Nothing was like I thought it would be. The whole birth was a tale, which I have told earlier in this blog, complete with a hospital induction (cytotec), many hours of painful active labor and finally a 15 min. rush to surgery during transition.

My cesarean was probably the best cesarean one could have. It was sad to have to do it but it all went really smoothly. I was with a nurse I liked and had been with sense the beginning. It was so quick! 15 min. after being in labor for two days! They took her out cleaned her up and handed her to me within 5 min. She was with me the whole time; daddy was their and my midwife. There are some pictures; baby was healthy and nursed quickly like a champ after self-attaching in our room post birth. It was a little sad not to have daddy cut the cord but we were so in the present moment with getting her safely out we hardly noticed.

This time around we have two birth plans, one for cesarean and one for a natural labor. (Both include daddy cutting the cord.) I have to be open to both and I fluctuate daily on this. Some days I am fine with having a cesarean. My eye is on the prize of having a healthy baby in the end. I believe in my body and know I have no real idea of how it will go. Other days I feel like a rebellious teen ready to jump on anyone even considering giving me a cesarean. I am ready to fight tooth and nail to give birth in the most animalistic way I can think of. There is nothing tidy and organized about birth. It is smelly, raw, emotional and in your face. No matter where you do it, it is the most powerful and animal act we modern womyn get to do.

Judy Chicago

 The first time I filled myself up with stories of women giving birth orgasmically in their beds at home. This was my ideal vision of birthing. It still is and it is not what we can do right now. We cannot afford a home birth and so we picked the best v-bac doctor we could find. I am considered a good candidate and she thinks I will be able to have a successful v-bac. In order to v-bac with her I have to naturally go into labor by 40 weeks. This is the kicker that scares me the most, Sweetpea came a full 2 weeks after her due date. I will try to go for a full 40 weeks but I also have to be ok with hospital policy. Grrrrr. We did hire an awesome doula that I believe will be a good liaison between the hospital and me and daddy's vision for labor. I don't want to get my hopes up too much though. As a good friend affirmed for me "hold on tightly, let go lightly." I will carry this affirmation with me into the birthing rooms of the hospital, as I fight to let my baby come naturally and be ok with whatever needs to happen.

What a challenging place and yet a growthful one too.

For The Love, A Birthers Tale

I have been thinking about the love I experience as a parent for my child. I spend a lot of time on this blog dissecting the identity of being a parent, sharing my trials and adventures. Sometimes I forget to share just how wonderful it is to be a parent to a little one.

I feel so blessed that I get to be with Sweetpea. The second she opened her voice to me with the most adoring squeal I thought, my God, this is my little person. This is her voice! My heart was filled with a warm overflowing cup of love that washes down my back every time I think of it.

Painting by Lenny Dinar Dothan

I knew I was going to have Sweetpea. She decided when, but I knew. The ocean told me. (Forewarning, wooo moment.) I was at The Earth Activist Training and we had one afternoon off. At the training we were learning permaculture. We were doing earth magic and learning how to interpret birds and track animals. We were also designing sustainable buildings and doing water rituals. It was a beautiful and unique training that left me on that day off in a little bit of an ethereal mood and a calm open place. 

I had just walked through a grove of redwoods with some friends. We decided to head for the coast for some ocean gazing. The California coast is inconceivably beautiful. Particularly the Northern California coast is very dreamlike. I love the all encompassing rambunctiousness and power of the ocean. I also marvel at how it is always lapping at our coast line, water is always moving, putting on its majestic show weather we are watching or not. The ocean was wild that day. There were huge swells of waves battering the beach and sucking up whatever got in the way.  I stood right at the edge of the white foam staring into the abyss. The waves were thumping me like a drum. I unfocused my eyes and my mind and stared right into a wall of towering water. A voice within me said, you will have a baby. She will be a girl. You are going to be a mom. When I opened my eyes again one of the huge waves clapped and gobbled up my exposed legs in its wake. I was dripping with salt water, I laughed and cried. I knew the ocean was right. It was so perfect.

2 1/2 years later I was in a hospital in Tacoma Washington fighting with all my might to bring this baby into the world. My fight was long and good and bittersweet. Sweetpea and I were ready for the fight. She still fights in a similar way when she is upset. She presses her body into mine struggling to wriggle free. She cries and wants me to hold her tight while she squirms. I love being able to see her struggle and come out the winner! The fight for life is an amazing struggle. It is something I felt I missed out on. In my birth story my mother had a planned cesarean. The doctor did not think she would be able to have me the natural way because both my brothers were also cesarean. There are a lot of enforcers in society to make it hard for me to fight, being raised female, the only girl and the youngest of two older brothers, just to name a few. This first fight I missed out on though is something I knew I wanted to be different for my kid. It was different. In the end I also had to have a cesarean. After a long hard battle Sweetpea needed the extra nudge to get out. She got stuck and her heart rate went way down. I see this as a metaphor for me in parenting her. When she gets stuck she will need helpers to guide her into the direction that is flowing. Fortunately, as an adult I have set up a community of folks to help me with this as well.

Now, 2 years later I have my amazing toddler to explore with. I have a kid that challenges and enlightens me daily. I have this person in my life forever. I like forever.

A little song I learned and sang for my sweetpea just after she was born rings in my ears. It is the song our family sings at each death and each birth in our lives.

"When you were born you cried
  and the world rejoiced
  live your life so
  that when you die
  The world cries and you rejoice"