Designing Indoor Natural Play Spaces Part 2

In part 1 of this article I talked about all the concepts to keep in mind for designing your play space. Now I will share with you my tricks to have fun, affordable, natural play spaces and beat the boredom without the use of screens.    

Anything can be Anything: Similar to designing outdoor nature play spaces, using the concept of open ended play objects will get you far in the imaginative play world. These objects are simple and free or cheap. Some of my staple items are a basket of silk scarves,  sets of different sized branches lined up in neat stacks for building fairy shelters, and  good old-fashioned wooden blocks. The sky is the limit with these open-ended play objects. For a long time sweetpeas favorite thing to play with was string or rope. She used it to hoist up blanket forts. Sometimes it was a tail wagging behind her as she galloped like a horse. Sometimes the rope pulled a stuffed pet rhino around the house as she took it for a walk. I thought to myself at first, what is my child going to do with rope? Every time I cleaned up I would find the rope we have for camping out on the floor. I kept putting it back in the closet with the camping gear and next thing I knew it was out again, being happily used. I finally conceded and it has lived in our toy box ever since.  

When In Doubt, Get Boxes Out: Empty boxes are by far our best go-to, imagination, boredom toy. With some scissors, tape and markers and just a few tweaks you can have a whole city laid out before you, complete with crawl spaces and drawbridges. My children regularly make cozy kitchens, tiny dollhouses and pet stores from a stack of old cardboard boxes. I have a small pile I keep in a corner of our sun porch, ready for use at all times. I also keep a few smaller cereal or granola bar boxes to complete all the fine details. I recently kept a clear, to go, dessert box and found it the next day full of painted on brown squares of cardboard. Sweet pea was selling brownies.  If boredom strikes I send them to the recycling bin.

Tiny Nature Treasures: My favorite things to display are tiny nature treasures. My young people are often finding beautiful things to awe over in nature. Displaying their finds is a true value to them and our commitment to a healthy, green planet. A great way to display these finds is in a wooden utensil organizer. These boxes have many small compartments that fit lots of different sized objects. They make everything beautiful and accessible. We found an old wooden toy tray at a thrift store that once housed wooden dolls. It made a perfect nature display tray. I added a magnifier to the tray to get an even closer perspective and a tiny basket to collect things in. Little pickle loves to fill the basket with the shells we collected on the beach from our trip to the coast this summer. I used to look at delicate trays like this and think, that will all end up broken and trashed on the floor by the end of the day. What I have witnessed is that objects lovingly put together often have a certain amount of gentleness associated with them. When the children help find the natural materials they are less inclined to play rough with them. Our nature tray does not get played with in the same ways the baby dolls do but it adds that element of peace, beauty and nature imagery to the play space that we all seem to enjoy.

The 4 Month Rule:  In an effort to only keep what we really play with, every four months I sort through our toys and figure out what they have grown out of and what needs to be retired. Before I give away anything I think my children have grown out of I hide it away in a closet for four months. I give them this long to notice that it has gone and ask about it. If after the four months no one has noticed I decide to give it away. My oldest is particularly sensitive to anything being given away so I started this as a way to purge without having a big argument about it. I also do this with artwork and paperwork. I would like to apply the same method to sorting through my own paperwork and I am slowly getting there. It is hopeful to see my daughter’s neat stacks of paperwork and in time my own will also be organized.

It is totally possible to have a small number of well-loved toys that tend toward the natural and inspire imagination. With a little creativity and organization, you can live in an uncluttered home that shows off your style and meets the needs of adults and children alike. If you want to learn about designing natural outdoor play spaces please check out my other blog post on this.  Good luck and happy designing!

Designing Indoor Natural Play Spaces Part 1

So many parents I know, myself included hate the weird, loud, plastic toys that are so prevalent in childhood toy manufacturing today. So many parents I know also can’t afford to get the eco or wooden versions of toys on the market that cost an arm and a leg. What is a parent to do? I have not completely solved this conundrum but I have set up a playroom in the heart of our home, that is fun, playful, imaginative and a space I want to hang out in as well as the children. A few tips from books and learning from Lifeways, an early childhood program that centers around making homelike, natural spaces for children to be in, has helped me to create both function and order in my kids favorite play-space, the Den. 

Design for you and them: Design a space you like to be in that incorporates your children’s playthings. Your children might be drawn to different activities, try to design the space so that it follows their lead but is also easy to clean and put away at the end of the day. An ideal play space let’s children really get into their play but also is pleasant for you to look at and a place for you to be. 

The young child wants to be close to their parents while they play, they learn through mimicry and often play in a way that imitates the parent’s activity. The more the toys are similar to what you use and things you like to see, the more harmonious your home will feel. Also remember to keep in mind their favorite activities. I accessed what my children were most drawn to playing with. When I saw their biggest interests I narrowed the playing field so I did not have too many options available at once. 

Display is key: If children can’t see the toys they tend to do the “dump everything out” game instead of actually playing with the toys. The way I store toys is by category in baskets, all transportation toys go in an old milk crate that has been labeled and has a picture. We use one of those Ikea book shelves that line the walls with small squares to fill with basket storage or mini displays. The top two rows are dedicated to adult things including a family altar, art books and picture albums as well as a basket filled with our home tools and hardware. The bottom 2 shelves are dedicated to the children’s playthings. Milk crates make great sturdy tubs that are easy to take out and see through. Pretty, square, baskets display things and also make it easy to take out. These can often be found at thrift stores. If you can’t find them used, the new ones are a good investment, they last, have the beauty in your home factor and can be used for dozens of things.

Limit the Screens: It takes a concerted effort to not let screens take over your child’s world these days. Every family is different in what makes sense for them around screen time. What we have figured out for us is we limit the kind of screens, what is seen on them and for how long. Sweetpea and Little Pickle are allowed to watch shows on the TV for up to 2 hours on the weekend, 1 hour on a school night. That is it.  We recently started letting our 7 year old play an educational game on the computer, she can decide if she wants to play the game or watch a show for the allotted time. We don’t do hand held or personal video game devices. Media is public and in view of the parents. We weed out shows for weird messages and incorrect information. I often end screen time by watching the last few minutes of the show with my children, that way we transition together to the next activity. The TV lives in our adult living room away from the children's play things. When its not in use we put the TV to sleep by putting a pretty cloth over it.

Art Table: For Sweetpea, my 7 year old daughter, her art table is the heart of her play. A whole corner of the den is dedicated to all her tinkering. She also has the majority of one closet to collect her supplies.  The base of the art table is a thrift store table and chair covered in an old Mexican oilcloth. I love oilcloth for its beauty and function. It’s so easy for her to make a mess and clean it up while still having a nice space to be creative. I have a few different sized boxes on the table for her to collect all her supplies in and half finished projects. There are several little buckets filled with markers, tape and scissors giving her easy access and clean up for these items. I also bought a set of those little drawers that can live on top of her desk for all the random bits and bobs she collects for collage. Above the desk is two push pins holding up a ribbon with clothespins. This is a way to display some of her recent creations. A collection of various artwork of her choosing goes up on the ribbon and is switched out monthly. The table is often covered in scraps of cardboard and ribbon or a stack of old catalogs waiting to be collaged. This is her artistic spot and part of giving her creative freedom means I try not to control it too much. Still she knows the rule, art always happens at the art table, so no messy painting projects for me to help clean up anywhere but on that table.

Play Kitchen & House: Little Pickle, my 2-year-old daughter, is more random in her interests. A toddler seems to like variety in their play so they need to have a few options readily available. The one thing I see her come back to over and over is playing house and caring for babies. We made an affordable, small kitchen set from an Ikea hack for sweetpea’s second birthday. The kitchen sits nicely in the corner of the playroom with a basket of fake food and dishes that can be used with it. I collected this food over time, selecting the wooden and metal pieces from different consigned sets and getting some of it from friends as presents.

Instead of plastic cribs and gear for her babies we use baskets found at thrift stores. We line them with handkerchief blankets and old swaddle cloths. These make pretty and cozy beds for babies and when she is all done playing it is also easy cleanup.

I have talked about all the concepts to keep in mind for designing your play space and I have started talking about some of the areas we have created. Next post will be even more info on the different sections for play and some tips for beating boredom that doesn’t cost a dime. Stay tuned!

Getting Your Toddler To Brush Their Teeth

 Sometimes the simplest things become the biggest struggles and occasionally the biggest victories. It has always been a struggle to get Little Pickle to brush her teeth. The second that cute, Winnie the pooh baby toothbrush came near her mouth as a little one she would scream. Don’t get me wrong, the kid loves putting stuff in her mouth. From my hairbrush, the bottom of her shoes any and all electronics with cords, she is ready to gobble them all up. The second something useful, hygienic and helpful comes along suddenly it is “abort everything.” She either squirms away from me screaming as I jab the brush into her mouth or she grabs the brush, sucks all the toothpaste off, and then proceeds to throw it across the bathroom.

Most of the time I have ignored this behavior. In a classic, “this is my second kid” syndrome, I am more relaxed about everything and also hold a genuine belief that she will grow out of it. The brain fuzz that occurs between two children separated by 4 ½ years makes me vaguely remember Sweetpea also throwing fits about tooth brushing. Now the girl is a wiz at it. All I have to do is sing the “brush your teeth” song and she happily runs to the bathroom, sets her timer, brushes away then flosses and rinses with mouth wash. Yeah for Virgo kids!

Once a week I had been holding my dear toddler down and scrubbing her teeth while she screams bloody murder. I only did this once a week because I really didn’t want her to get cavities. Feeling guilty for forcing the tooth brushing, I remember what the pediatrician said to me about not pushing things on her so as not to create a bad memory of the experience. I decided to consult the Internet for tips. I was instructed to brush my teeth in front of my child to model the healthy habit, not a bad idea but Little Pickle had a lot more fun watching me brush then doing it to her teeth.  Having an electric toothbrush was endlessly fascinating to her.

I tried the let’s make this one big game idea. She says “tee” for the front teeth while I brush and then “aww” for the back teeth so she opens her mouth really wide. Little pickle loved making the sounds but not with the toothbrush anywhere near her.

I also tried the “there’s a tiger in your mouth and I am going to get it” technique.  This definitely made her laugh but did not lead to an easier time for brushing.

I tried the mediation method, this involved taking deep relaxing breaths before having her brush her teeth, then silently witnessing the act instead of instructing. Yeah, this did not really work.  However, this exercise prompted me to realize how I needed to capitalize on what my daughter did like to do, stick things in her mouth.

As we left the bathroom heading to our next transition, books and bedtime I noticed she would pop just about anything in her mouth while we were reading. If it was a small toy, her banana teether or just her fingers, as we read Little Pickle was enjoying the oral stimulation. A new idea was formed. The next evening when tooth brushing struggle time came near I went into the bathroom, grabbed her brush with a pea of toddler toothpaste on it and led her right to the bedroom. Out of context the toothbrush became a glorified teether! She would start the brushing on the changing table. At book time the toothbrush stayed in her mouth, working her way around each tooth several times as I read. Suddenly my fussy, hate to brush toddler was brushing for 5 minutes straight, no big deal like the boss lady she is.

I am sure that this “Out of Context” strategy will not work for the rest of her life but for now the no pressure, we brush as we go works well for us. Little Pickle is keeping up the good habits and I am not stressed about her associating tooth brushing with power struggle. Victory!

The Do-able Camping Trip: Tips on Camping with Little People

I always imagined we would be a camping family. Being outdoorsy and loving adventure the way I do, I saw camping as my family’s way of bonding and having a cheap alternative for vacation. While all this is true, it took us awhile to make it happen. I often run into the stumbling block of having a partner that does not feel the same way about prioritizing adventure, so it’s all on me to make these jaunts into the wild happen. Finally, last winter I set the intention that we would go camping Memorial day weekend and by gun, we did!

This trip went smoothly and it was fun.  Our camping trip included nostalgic experiences from my childhood, and a sense of awe for the beauty of late spring. We also stayed mostly in our budget! The trip included two adults, our 5 1/2 year old and an 11 month old. This trip went so well I am now on a mission to encourage more parents to take their young children camping. Most people I know think it’s a good idea to go camping but rarely get to make it happen. It can be daunting, what will we do all day? What if the kids can't sleep? What if terrible weather hits the campsite? I will lay out for you how to make camping with young children go well. I know you all can do it too!

 1. Keep the location simple. Families with young children need lots of uncomplicated time in nature to relax and discover the world around them. You don't have to go far from a city to find this. We asked friends for recommendations, checked out websites and looked at a book about camping in Oklahoma. I chose a site that was 1 hour from our home. The place had bathhouses, water pumps, a pool, a play ground, tent camping away from the RV's, and some nice, easy to manage trails. The location was ideal, far enough so that we felt we were having an adventure but close enough so we could come home quickly if we needed to. It was also in the country but close to a town where we could easily get amenities and play if we wanted to.


 2. Warm your kids up to the idea of camping ahead of time, and test all your gear beforehand.  I have talked up camping to Sweetpea for a while but since we have never gone she didn't really know what it would be like. A few days before the trip we set up our tent in the living room. She helped me put it together. We played in the tent most of the day and imagined what it would be like to be outside under the stars. I told her stories from my childhood camping and stories from when I got my own tent in my 20s and backpacked across Europe with it. As we went to put "Minerva" away one of the zippers broke. I was so sad to see my tent broken and knew we could not fix her before we left. When I told the news to daddy he said it was time to get a new tent. A big one our whole family could be in together. This is where we went over budget, but now we are the owners of a big, cushy tent we will be able to play with for years to come. 

3. Have a good mix of activities but don't pack too much into a day. With little ones its good to have two major parts to the day, but keep it to that. They mostly want to be in the rhythm they are at home only in this new, fun context. The day we did push it by renting a canoe for the evening lead to two whining and crying kids. Luckily near the end of the ride they both fell asleep and daddy and I got to have the awe filled experience of canoeing around in the evening. That said, we vowed to axe it next time.

4. Make your trip mostly tech free and plug into nature. Daddy definitely was checking his smart phone some by the campfire at night, but mostly we tried to leave the technology at home. I didn’t realize it was bothering me that he was on his phone till I saw him do it. To get him away from the screen I would just suggest we go for a walk to the look out and watch the stars. We also played cards by candlelight one evening. This opened time to using our senses and seeing more clearly what was around us. We took in the smell of the cook fire, strange bird calls, and the dazzle of late spring wild flowers. Our lives are often a buzz with technology, camping is a great chance to take a brain break from our phones and busy lives at home.

5. Keep the bar low for what your kids can do outdoors and they might surprise you. We took Sweatpea on mini hikes though out the campsite. We did not expect her to hike for hours in the heat; we just took her on the easiest trail and turned around whenever she was ready. Since she was leading, we ended up stopping a lot but that was good. She owned the hike and gave us a chance to take more pictures of wild flowers. When she would say she wanted to turn around sometimes I would push her and say maybe a little more? What’s beyond that bend? That sometimes worked and sometimes did not, either way we were building a relationship with nature and the more she got to decide how long she wanted to be away from camp, the more excited she was to go for a hike.

6. Always pack water, granola bars and Band-Aids before setting off anywhere. The first hike we went on was just to explore the camp ground. Sweatpea fell and scraped her knee halfway down a hill. She was super upset so I said I would go back to the campsite to get her a Band-Aid. While there I grabbed a few water bottles and granola bars. The band aid made her feel better and later on when we got a little lost following a deer path, the water made all the difference in us being able to happily finish our hike. Moral of the story, even for the shortest time out, make sure you have these things.

7. Don't let the threat of rain stop you. I think one of the major things that keep people away from camping is the fear of bad weather. I am here to tell you can even have fun camping while it is raining. If you prepare and have a good waterproof tent you can cozy a rainy afternoon away in your tent. Or, grab your boots and find puddles to splash in. Examine what the forest looks like before, during and after the rain. It is not a lot of fun cooking in the rain with no campfires, but the water can bring on other fun like playing with mud and telling stories about the rain. If you pick a campsite near a town you can even order pizza to go and eat it in your tent. Or go out for the meal and come back to your cozy tent that evening for playing cards and reading books. You can sleep with the peaceful sounds of raindrops. Rain also tends to clear out less intrepid campers so campsites are quieter. You feel like a real outdoors person after braving a few days outside in the rain. Also, nothing can beat the smell of trees and plants after rain.

8. Take advantage of all the things the park has to offer. The first thing I did after signing us in was look at all the brochures in the park’s office. I went over the map with the ranger and found out about all the cool things happening that weekend. We used the pool and the canoes. I bought a glow in the dark constellation bandana, and I got a fun mini passport book for Sweatpea for free. This booklet had all the state parks in Oklahoma and activities to do in each park. Activities included checking out special sights in the park, fun yoga moves, and a scavenger hunt on the trails. We did them all and she got a stamp at the end of our stay. There are so many fun and inexpensive ways to connect to nature in a park, it only takes time to look up info and ask around.

The hardest thing about camping with a baby was feeding her. The picnic bench was too much fun for her and she kept trying to stand up and eat. Her standing made her fall a lot and get food everywhere. I was a mess after every meal trying to hold food in my hand and put it in her mouth. I highly recommend some kind of traveling high chair for the baby stage of camping.  I also found it hard that she was crawling around in the dirt and putting everything in her mouth. Though this was challenging I still think it was important for her to explore and get dirty. We just changed clothes a lot, fished for rocks and acorns in her mouth and when I could not take it anymore, played in the tent or just put her in her carrier.  


Remember that adventure for your family is as simple as all sleeping in the same room with only a layer of tent separating you from the outside. Eating outside and seeing the stars are huge benefits as well. There is no need to plan a lot of stuff to do; the adventure is found in living outdoors for a small span of time.

 

A Tale Of Dry Nights

No one told me going into this parenting thing that my daughter would still be struggling with having dry nights at 3 1/2 years old. We mastered dry days by 2 1/2. Dry nights have been a different story. On her 3rd birthday her dad and her decided there was no need for diapers at night. So we did it. We took the plunge and tried having her go without diapers completely, trusting she would let us know if she needed to go.

6 months later and I think now we are just getting the hang of it, knock on wood. This could be the biggest jinx post I have ever written. Sweetpea is consistently having every night dry for the past 3 weeks. We have tried everything. We have consulted all the parents we have known, we read all the books about it and talked to a doctor. Everyone told us this was normal. I wondered why I had never heard of it before. Years of being a nanny and I never noticed how long it took to get the night diapers out of the picture.

The thing is Sweetpea is a deep sleeper and we nursed to sleep when she was young. She really wants a drink before bed, after nursing we switched to a bottle of milk before bed, then water. She associated going to bed with drinking beverage.  I personally need to get up in the night if I consume tea before bed, I get it, your bladder can only hold so much. So she needed to go. At first it was only sometimes she would wet the bed, then it was every other night for months. It would seem like we were on an up curve, 2 weeks here and there then she would plummet back down to every two nights. Meanwhile I was doing a ton of laundry.

I had friends who said it was completely normal to have kids up to 5 years old in pull-ups. We were actually the only people in our friend circle who were even trying at 3 years old to take away night diapers. They all agreed they were too young at this age to be able to hold it all night long. It could be this was true. Though we had another friend I didn't see often who's son stopped having any accidents at 2 1/2. They just stopped putting diapers on him and he was done, end of story.

Daddy was fierce about sticking to our guns, rarely is he fierce about any parenting issue so I decided to side with him, as the laundry continued piling up. And I, being home more, was doing more of it I decided we needed a big change.

First we made a rule, no more liquid before bed. This was a struggle.  We got it down to two sips of water after she brushed teeth, which seemed to work as a compromise.

Second, I started a sticker chart. Just in case wetting the bed might be psychological I thought some incentive might help. Every dry night she got a sticker, two in a row she got a little plastic gem, 3 dry nights got a candy and 7 dry nights got a trip to Chuck E Cheese. I never thought of myself as a parent that might have this kind of reward system, but I was feeling desperate and if I have learned anything from parenting, you got to try all manner of ways of doing things and see which one works. She seemed to like all the rewards but it never added up to having dry nights on a consistent basis.

Lastly, we woke her up to pee a few hours after she goes to sleep. Friends had told us they woke there kid up in the middle of the night to pee, this seemed to daunting for us, so we stuck to 2 hours after she went to sleep, typically right before we went to bed. This worked for a while, and then it started being a struggle. If we didn't get her up right at 2 hours she would pee the bed, also she would fight us to get up and go, after tons of screaming and crying, plus 15 minutes to get her back down and calm, I could see that this strategy was not working.

This is when I decided to research the affects of reintroducing pull-up diapers after 6 months of none. Daddy really fought me on this, he was sure it would break her confidence and he felt she was just on her way to learning. He had more patience and less laundry doing then I. I found parenting forums all about this subject. I especially loved this one California moms list serv that had all kinds of opinions but seemed to all go with trust your gut and don't worry about harmful long term affects.

With all this research and strategy under my belt I just decided to go for it. We went to Target and grabbed a pair of 4t-5t pull-ups with flowers. I explained to Sweetpea these were only temporary, that would help her to remember to wake up and pee in the potty. She went along with it. Her dad was not happy but after my research was willing to try. And the thing is they worked!

Miracle of miracles, once she felt that squishy, diapery, plastic texture between her legs she was not happy. She didn't want to wear them. I set the rule that once she could go a full 3 days with them on and stay dry she did not need to wear them anymore. The next week we went on a trip. The struggle to put them on at night intensified, so after having her pee right before bed, I would put her to sleep. I would then sneak in an hour later and put a pull up on her. She was so deep asleep she did not wake up. Some magic made it so she did not pee the bed or the pull-up the whole 5-day trip.

When we got back home she reverted back a little and then started getting mad that she woke up with a pull up on. She told us not to put them on her at all. We listened, one night I just had her pee before bed. Then a few hours later I went to bed, no secret pull-ups, no waking her up to pee. When we woke up that morning she had a dry night! Going back to pull ups actually worked for us!

As I look back at all we did I am thinking, geez, parents are super heroes. We will do anything to make life run smoothly, we have to be always thinking, always strategizing, always being hopeful for a change of events. What a creative and intense job!

Now, 3 weeks later she has consistently had dry nights. Maybe our friends were right, maybe her body was finally old enough to wait it out through the night. I still go into her room and ask if she wants to try 2 hours after she goes to sleep. She always turns me down. We shall see what the next manifestation of this is. Now I know I am ready to take on the challenge.

Labeling Children

I am calling her shy but she really is not. I use that word to convey an apology to the adults around her when my daughter rejects them. Sweetpea is strong minded and strong willed and will not put on a show of sweetness for strangers. I have mixed feelings about this. Part of me is happy that you have to win her respect and interest that she knows she does not have to put on a show of liking everybody just because they say hi. The other part of me is worried about her being impolite and wondering why she carries all this distrust of people she is just meeting? So I use the word shy, an indifferent, non offensive term that seems to make the adults around her understand when she gives them a pouty frown and hides behind my leg till they stop noticing her.

The folks that stay in there and don't get turned off by her initial reaction get to know my daughter in all her glory. She opens up like a fresh spring crocus if they try to engage in a slower fashion. I was quite similar at her age, hiding behind my mum and warming up quickly after the first meeting. She will put on shows, is easy to laugh, and likes to play and explore and try new things. She is good at saying what she wants and she is good at showing people how she likes them on her own terms.

As she gets older I am slowly introducing social graces. Sometimes I let her know before we have an interaction or go in someplace like my work or church I say, "remember we are going to be friendly to people." She seems to get this and all it takes is a reminder once inside to get her ok with meeting new people. This usually looks like just being neutral about meeting them not exactly friendly yet.

Its a touchy balance I want her to have the tools to know how to maneuver well in our society but I also don't want the oppressive force of sexism to set up the expectation that she is always sweet or has to be. I don't like labeling her shy I think kids live up to their labels. I am looking for the right word for it. Maybe giving adults a hand with their feelings of rejection is a place to start. 

Exploring the MET (Metropolitan Museum of Art) with Sweetpea

I strolled my sleeping child through the rows of ancient Greek statues, awed by there presence. Daddy went off to see a world war II photography exhibit, disappearing under the white tent folds of the MET's newest installation. I preferred the ceramics of antiquity. As I turned a corner to the most ancient pottery of the Mediterranean I saw her, the big, billowy, thighs and chest of an ancient mother Goddess, propped up on two metal hooks, encased in glass under soft light. She was hard to spot amongst the vases and oil urns, but she stood out for me, glowing with an aura of majesty. As I stood transfixed, the halted movement awoke my dreaming child. Sweetpea woke up with a start as she always does, immediately alert and ready to tell me something. As if being pushed in a stroller over the cobblestone pathways along central park west was a part of our daily routine. Waking up surrounded by artwork in a large, loud, echoing room was just a part of the fun of having two adventuring parents.

"What’s that mama?" Her crackly just awoke voice said pointing at the little Goddess I had found for us.  “It’s our mother Goddess Sweetpea," "Mother Goddess" I hear repeated back to me, a slight pause, "why?" I go into an explanation of how this little Goddess represents the power of women as life givers and how ancient people's worshiped this power that all women have. I lift her up and we stare at the little figure, I smell her slightly sweaty hair, and marvel in the beauty of sharing this with my daughter.

I was only a little older then Sweetpea is now the first time I came to the MET. It was a daddy daughter date in the city. There is a picture of me flat up against Cleopatra's needle in a multi-colored, terry cloth dress and blues sneakers. I remember going there, I remember walking through the Egyptian temple, and admiring the old Roman statues. I have been back many times sense. As a teenager my unschooled friends and me would rain down on NYC and meet in front of the MET. We would hang out on the front steps leading up to it and check out the fashion history exhibit in the basement. My favorite place in the museum was in the Arab section, a tiny dome made of wood, carved in intricate patterns. This dome sits in a hallway in between rooms. It is quiet, like a tree house within the vast open spaces of history and art.  


Later, with my husband and daughter in toe I walk them towards the Roman statue hall. We ended up in an atrium with a larger then life bronze statue of Perseus defiantly holding up the head of Medusa. I pointed at the statue and said "Sweetpea, look at this beautiful statue."  With a look of wonder and horror my child stares and begins a long strand of "why?" questioning. I realize after the fact what a strange statue this is to point out to her. In one room I am talking about ancient people's worshiping the great Mother, in the other room I am trying to explain Greek myth and the chopping off of a woman's head. My daughter is learning life is complex.

I have cornered myself into this conversation so I go back to the beginning, we first talk about stories, how they are different from real life. Then I talk about Medusa, what she did and why someone would want to chop off her head. It is a delicate explanation.  I am trying to explain things simply enough that she will not draw conclusions about good and bad, and will instead focus on truth and fiction. The rest of the day she reports to everyone we talk to about "Dusa, and how he chopped off her head." We still talk about it months later.

Our last stop is the Tiffany hall, we all stand awestruck in front of the huge Tiffany windows, lit from within, exuding an aura of holiness. We play make believe games with the bear statues in the hall and pretend to chop off each other’s heads. :)

There we were, only a 3rd of this grand museum explored and still content with all we got to see. We went just outside the gates to a NYC park complete with meandering benches and metal play structure letting the art of the day soak into our souls.

Toddler Tantrum

--> We are in the midst of a painfully hard growth period. Sweet pea is asserting her power and will and her just as stubborn mom is not cowing to all her desires. It is exhausting to have power struggle after power struggle. The inner voice says there must be some amazing life changing advise. If I was just doing this method or that she would listen better, I would have the upper hand, parenting a 2 1/2 year old would be easy and delightful. Instead I am fraught with anxiety about what’s around the next bend, what hump are we crossing now, how to get us both out of deep water without drowning.

Her daddy's approach is to avoid power struggle. He coaches me on distraction techniques, offering choices, giving her as much say in the thing without doing all of it. Example, letting her hold the candy that she wants to eat instead of just giving it to her so she has control of it but does not eat it. His method does seem to work some but doesn't always sit well with me. It goes along with giving her a lot more sugar and watching tv then I would like. It also looks like avoiding and distracting away the feelings that I know will bubble up no matter what we do.


I consulted friends and family via facebook about it one morning. I got a lot of good tips including foot massage after a tantrum to ground us both, following a stricter schedule so she knows what to expect, offering her choices and new objects to fiddle with as we go through a transition. Also just setting the party line and dealing with the volcanic eruptions of having a boundary placed on her. They were all good ideas and I will probably use a mix match of those ideas when confronting tantrums but it all seems to come down to what will uniquely work for my kiddo.


I have had to face my own feelings when she tantrums. Embarrassment: Luckily I have let go of a lot of feelings of embarrassment but still some linger when she throws an on the floor fit in the grocery store. Jealousy: My kid can wail, and damn, it feels good to wail. To show how freakin' hard it feels. Why does she get to take up that much space and I don't? I am not saying I want to throw a fit in the middle of the grocery store but at the end of a particularly hard work day I have been known to roll down the windows, blast the music and scream while driving to pick her up from pre school. I think she gets it honest. Fear/Sadness: Seeing my baby struggle like that is hard, it brings up fears that I am raising her wrong. Why did I decide to bring another life into this heavy harsh world? What values am I sending her when I lose it while she is losing it? How can I teach her empathy? That not just her desires matter? 


Facing all of this is difficult and complex and I am still figuring out how to work out these emotions in a healthy way and separate them from when she is having her big feelings. Still sometimes we both end up on the side of the road crying as I explain to her through sobs she can't scream the entire time while mommy is driving.


For now what I have figured out for my dear sweetpea is a lot of one on one and family time, this seems to lesson the desire to act out for attentions sake. Also when going to an overwhelming place like the grocery store letting her fill the cart with what she wants then at check out separate out the stuff and tell the cashier we don't need those things. It’s an extra step for the awesome grocery store employees but seems to make all the difference. Hopefully this will be a temporary need. I also let her pick out varieties of things for us like fruit and veggies. Getting a lot of emotional support and making sure I am getting down time and alone time. I am always ready to take on her big feelings after a good sleep or artist date by myself. We also do a lot of talking out the situation and offering something exciting at the end. Like explaining if she puts her shoes on now we can then skip over to the big tree and climb it together. 

The thing I am the most proud of is we always talk about it after the tempers have settled. Even when I lose my cool and shove her into the car seat, or pull the thing out of her hand without coaxing it away, Sweetpea has an emotional language. We talk out how she was feeling and how I was feeling. We can identify the emotions together and hug afterword. This kind of intimacy and communication makes me believe we can make it through any hardship together.

For The Love, A Birthers Tale

I have been thinking about the love I experience as a parent for my child. I spend a lot of time on this blog dissecting the identity of being a parent, sharing my trials and adventures. Sometimes I forget to share just how wonderful it is to be a parent to a little one.

I feel so blessed that I get to be with Sweetpea. The second she opened her voice to me with the most adoring squeal I thought, my God, this is my little person. This is her voice! My heart was filled with a warm overflowing cup of love that washes down my back every time I think of it.

Painting by Lenny Dinar Dothan

I knew I was going to have Sweetpea. She decided when, but I knew. The ocean told me. (Forewarning, wooo moment.) I was at The Earth Activist Training and we had one afternoon off. At the training we were learning permaculture. We were doing earth magic and learning how to interpret birds and track animals. We were also designing sustainable buildings and doing water rituals. It was a beautiful and unique training that left me on that day off in a little bit of an ethereal mood and a calm open place. 

I had just walked through a grove of redwoods with some friends. We decided to head for the coast for some ocean gazing. The California coast is inconceivably beautiful. Particularly the Northern California coast is very dreamlike. I love the all encompassing rambunctiousness and power of the ocean. I also marvel at how it is always lapping at our coast line, water is always moving, putting on its majestic show weather we are watching or not. The ocean was wild that day. There were huge swells of waves battering the beach and sucking up whatever got in the way.  I stood right at the edge of the white foam staring into the abyss. The waves were thumping me like a drum. I unfocused my eyes and my mind and stared right into a wall of towering water. A voice within me said, you will have a baby. She will be a girl. You are going to be a mom. When I opened my eyes again one of the huge waves clapped and gobbled up my exposed legs in its wake. I was dripping with salt water, I laughed and cried. I knew the ocean was right. It was so perfect.

2 1/2 years later I was in a hospital in Tacoma Washington fighting with all my might to bring this baby into the world. My fight was long and good and bittersweet. Sweetpea and I were ready for the fight. She still fights in a similar way when she is upset. She presses her body into mine struggling to wriggle free. She cries and wants me to hold her tight while she squirms. I love being able to see her struggle and come out the winner! The fight for life is an amazing struggle. It is something I felt I missed out on. In my birth story my mother had a planned cesarean. The doctor did not think she would be able to have me the natural way because both my brothers were also cesarean. There are a lot of enforcers in society to make it hard for me to fight, being raised female, the only girl and the youngest of two older brothers, just to name a few. This first fight I missed out on though is something I knew I wanted to be different for my kid. It was different. In the end I also had to have a cesarean. After a long hard battle Sweetpea needed the extra nudge to get out. She got stuck and her heart rate went way down. I see this as a metaphor for me in parenting her. When she gets stuck she will need helpers to guide her into the direction that is flowing. Fortunately, as an adult I have set up a community of folks to help me with this as well.

Now, 2 years later I have my amazing toddler to explore with. I have a kid that challenges and enlightens me daily. I have this person in my life forever. I like forever.

A little song I learned and sang for my sweetpea just after she was born rings in my ears. It is the song our family sings at each death and each birth in our lives.

"When you were born you cried
  and the world rejoiced
  live your life so
  that when you die
  The world cries and you rejoice"