Goal Setting For The New Year

For the past four years I have been doing an exercise in goal setting as the New Year approaches. It has informed what my year has looked like. It has shaped the flow of my work patterns and has ultimately led to some pretty magical things. The formula I use for goal setting is unique and feels different then setting resolutions. Resolutions are wonderful ways to get pumped about the New Year. What I notice though, is they fizzle out with time. It is hard to stick to a new year’s resolution in June. Goal setting however has a different flavor, the goals can consistently be reworked into whatever seasons you are in and are open to re-evaluation at any time.

Sounds good doesn’t it?

Since starting goal setting I moved, had another baby, and got my writing published in an online magazine. While doing back yard nature meditation, one of my goals, I gained perspective on what I truly wanted to do with my career. I left my job to start my own business. I have also prioritized my hobbies and things I want to do just for me, like writing and learning to knit.

Here are some steps to guide you through my ritual of goal setting.

Painting by Liga Lazdina

Find a Friend

The first place to start is by finding a friend. A friend is a way to keep you honest in your goal setting. A friend’s perspective helps you to set realistic goals for your life while also giving you the encouragement you need to pull off big things. Not all friends are great for this so choose wisely. Pick someone you trust that has good listening skills. This friend could be a long distance friend. You can set up online skype goal conversations.  Don’t be limited by requiring that the friend lives in your town or city.

Set a Date and Plan

After finding a buddy interested in doing this with you set aside at least three hours for a  “goal date” in the afternoon sometime after Christmas. If you don’t have three hours to spare in one day stretch the date out over a period of a week. Pick a time when you will not feel rushed.  Items to bring to your goal date include snacks, tea, notebooks, colored pencils or markers, old packing labels or paper to cut up and a hole punch and string. Consider this your big picture thinking time. Before this date I often like to have my initial brainstorm for my goals done. I do this while walking or cleaning. These are my two thinking times where big ideas come out. I often scribble them down in my notebook or put them in the notes in my phone.  When I come to the date I have an idea of what I want to do and it gets me ready for the big brainstorm.

Talk and Listen

At your goal date take turns listening to each other about the things you want to manifest this year. This looks like one person giving their full attention to the other person without interrupting them or offering advice. A timer on your phone should be set to help ensure that each person gets the same amount of time. I often set the timer for 20 minutes each. Decide who goes first and switch when the timer goes off. For the person talking, you can do this however works best for you. Some people like to work back wards and start by discussing where they want to end up by the end of the following year. Some like to use the attention to just brainstorm about the things they want to see in their life. Some like to share the history of the previous year to gain perspective on what they want for this new one. All are valid and most likely you will do a combination of all these things.

Painting by Nora MacPhail

Take a Break

After the first forty minutes take a snack break, bathroom, maybe even go for a short walk around the block if you are feeling extra luxurious around time. Don’t let the break go too long though; twenty minutes should be enough to clear your head.

Writing Brainstorm

The next step is a writing brainstorm. Both goal setters get out their notebooks and write for twenty minutes about the things they want to manifest over the next year. Take from your pre-meeting notes, your time talking to your goal partner and any new thoughts you had during the break. I find it’s best to let your self write it all out and not worry about whether or not its practical or not concise enough, editing comes later. This exercise is about getting the ideas on the page. This can be a magical step as you see your goals lay out before you, each one blossoming into a new perspective or project.

Compare Notes

After your writing brainstorm is complete you can now let the editor in, take ten more minutes by yourself and look over what you have written. Circle the parts that stand out the most, the ones that have the most charge behind them.  In your writing find a hand full of goals that seem doable this year that speak to what you want for your life and help deepen what you have already.

Compare Again

Do another twenty-minute share each. This time when you are listener you can also offer advice or perspective. If the talking person needs some guidance this is a good time to give some words of encouragement. Hopefully at this stage you will be able to easily see where you want to put your energy in the following year. You can write out the goals on a clean sheet of paper during your talking time to be able to easily see them.

Take a Short Break

Take a short break, ten minutes total, than come back together for making goal art. This is the fun part of goal setting and should not be overlooked in importance. Creating goal art gives you a little treat for all your hard work. It’s a reward and it creates something eye catching you want to look at through out your year.

Goal Art

Take twenty minutes and make your art together. The art I make involves taking old packing labels and creating a taggie. This looks like a little book that ties together with small pictures and words describing each goal for the year on each tag. I find keeping the wording simple is best. Choose an image that best describes the goal and gets you exhilarated about it. These taggies can be as simple or complicated as you like just as long as they are eye catching and make you feel excited about your goals. I return to my goal taggie throughout the year. I keep it by my desk as a reminder of all the things I want to do and all that I have already accomplished. The goal taggie keeps you honest and is also cute.  Share your goal taggies at the end of the time. You are now done with your date.

Follow Up

Follow up should happen with your goal buddy throughout the year. I recommend meeting every three months to check in with your goals. Figure out what is hard, what might need tweaking, offer advice to your fellow goal setter. When you get together make it fun, the whole point of goal setting is to feel empowered by life and help each other out. This is not to criticize or make you feel bad or that you don’t do enough. If the goals are not working figure out what could work. Meet at a café, bring your taggies and enjoy your self. You can use the model of taking turns giving each other attention, or be less structured during these meet ups. This is about sharing love, wisdom and perspective and manifesting the world you want to be in.

This year my focus is on living more seasonally so I broke my goal taggie into what I wanted to do in each season. I am also constantly experimenting with how to best focus my energy. Good luck with goal setting and let me know how it goes.

 

The Self Entertained Kids

 

There is a new phenomenon in modern parenting. The concept that waiting around doing nothing is irrelevant and being self-entertained can only be achieved if one is playing on a screen. Sometimes I think I just hopped on the technology band wagon later than others. But when I look around a restaurant and almost every child is on a screen of some sort, even the babies, I see it as a transformation of the way our culture spends time.

I am not against technology. I use it frequently for entertainment, to promote my business, to stay in touch with long distance friends, and even to make art. The thing I have issue with is when and where to put the technology down. Most people think of their smart phones as an extension of their body. No longer do people ask each other for the time, when a bus is coming or, what the weather is doing. Why would you when you have your own personal computer with all your questions answerable at your fingertips?  It makes for a quiet in public space that can feel isolating, insular and non-adaptable. 

I recently went on a camping trip with a few other families. These families have prioritized low amounts of screen time for their kids. They believe in having experiences and being outside, and that one can be self-entertained without screens. The children we camped with ranged in age from 20 months (my little pickle) to 15 years old. There were 10 of them total. These kids were some of the coolest I have hung out with in awhile. Its not like they were spending all their time hanging with us adults; they immediately formed their own pack and had adventures galore. The entertainment was a little rowboat on a shallow creek, a beach of rocks, sticks, pools of water in-between boulders and the fun of a tent full of sleeping bags and camp paraphernalia

We made a fire and roasted different foods on it, we told stories at night and watched the stars. It was dreamy. When they weren’t all playing together in a pack I saw the older kids reading on a camp chair and fishing. One afternoon Little Pickle took a stick and poked it in holes where some bugs were nesting. She was at this for a full half hour while I got some writing done near by. At one point they set up a balance beam with two ropes strung between two trees, and all afternoon the kids took turns walking across. Two pieces of rope was all they needed to have a blast.

Witnessing children of a wide range of ages being self entertained with almost nothing was a revelation for me. I often see very young children able to be happy with just about anything, though it seems that at some point as they get older the technology becomes more enticing and their ability to be satisfied with simple tools stops working. We have all seen the kids who become a complete mess without their Ipad or a movie playing at all times. I have also witnessed the adult who completely freaks out when they can’t find their phone or the battery dies. I have regularly seen adults on Facebook during church services.

After our sweet weekend in the woods we went home and decided to treat ourselves to lunch at one of our favorite Mexican restaurants. We don’t eat out a lot so we were all excited. Our table was chatty, usually Sweetpea has some great question we all get to ponder. Little Pickle was hungry, so she was able to sit still for a longer period and enjoy her food. We were all glowing from our long weekend outside. I peered at the booth behind ours, a family of four with two young children was sitting there, and all of them had screens. The baby had an Ipad propped up and was watching a show while he ate, the 3 year old also had an Ipad he looked like he was playing a game on, both parents had out their phones. The table was mostly silent as they all sat together having lunch out completely immersed in their screens.

I know I do not have the whole story, I have no idea what these kids are like and I certainly know how hard it is to be a parent and need a break. But this seems extreme to me. What kind of example are we setting when no one talks to each other and even the very young and impressionable are connecting with virtual reality instead of the people around them? I mostly felt sad for what they were missing. The chance to have family discussion, get to know each other more, engage with the people you chose to create your life with. At another table a 6 month old was being entertained on a phone while the parents ate. Is this the new normal? Remember when there used to be no cell phone signs at restaurants?  

I am calling for a reversal of the current trend. I want to see bored kids, kids that are bored enough to get creative and create really cool stuff from their boredom. I want to see more reading with actually books. I want to see adults and children engaged with the outside world not tinkering away on smart phones obsessing over the latest horrific news story. I want to see more random conversations with people around you, awkward dialogues about the weather, what is happening in your neighborhoods and how to make things better where you are, right here, in the present.

How do you get your child to be self-entertained you may ask? Well, it’s a belief to start out with, a belief that your child will figure it out. That it doesn’t have to be a screen to entertain you and them, that there is a vast imagination waiting to be tapped and a wealth of engagement in the everyday. It is also about setting an example. Choosing to not always turn to your phone for info, kinship and boredom. This is a hard one for me too. I am still learning.

On road trips Sweetpea does what she has always done since we started taking her on epic road trips, she stares out the window. She has an assortment of small toys, some snacks, and a sketchbook. Our big splurge is a sticker book; this keeps her entertained for literally hours. At restaurants we talk to her, and if we want adult dialogue we pass her an activity book and she doodles on it. It can really be that simple. If she wants screen time at home she typically has to do a set of chores and wait till her sister is napping. The only exception is when she is sick then she gets to watch a bunch of television. I really encourage all parents to get away from the screens, you and your children don’t need them, you will be happier with less screen time. Lets get back to the rhythm of a less virtual age. 

The Do-able Camping Trip: Tips on Camping with Little People

I always imagined we would be a camping family. Being outdoorsy and loving adventure the way I do, I saw camping as my family’s way of bonding and having a cheap alternative for vacation. While all this is true, it took us awhile to make it happen. I often run into the stumbling block of having a partner that does not feel the same way about prioritizing adventure, so it’s all on me to make these jaunts into the wild happen. Finally, last winter I set the intention that we would go camping Memorial day weekend and by gun, we did!

This trip went smoothly and it was fun.  Our camping trip included nostalgic experiences from my childhood, and a sense of awe for the beauty of late spring. We also stayed mostly in our budget! The trip included two adults, our 5 1/2 year old and an 11 month old. This trip went so well I am now on a mission to encourage more parents to take their young children camping. Most people I know think it’s a good idea to go camping but rarely get to make it happen. It can be daunting, what will we do all day? What if the kids can't sleep? What if terrible weather hits the campsite? I will lay out for you how to make camping with young children go well. I know you all can do it too!

 1. Keep the location simple. Families with young children need lots of uncomplicated time in nature to relax and discover the world around them. You don't have to go far from a city to find this. We asked friends for recommendations, checked out websites and looked at a book about camping in Oklahoma. I chose a site that was 1 hour from our home. The place had bathhouses, water pumps, a pool, a play ground, tent camping away from the RV's, and some nice, easy to manage trails. The location was ideal, far enough so that we felt we were having an adventure but close enough so we could come home quickly if we needed to. It was also in the country but close to a town where we could easily get amenities and play if we wanted to.


 2. Warm your kids up to the idea of camping ahead of time, and test all your gear beforehand.  I have talked up camping to Sweetpea for a while but since we have never gone she didn't really know what it would be like. A few days before the trip we set up our tent in the living room. She helped me put it together. We played in the tent most of the day and imagined what it would be like to be outside under the stars. I told her stories from my childhood camping and stories from when I got my own tent in my 20s and backpacked across Europe with it. As we went to put "Minerva" away one of the zippers broke. I was so sad to see my tent broken and knew we could not fix her before we left. When I told the news to daddy he said it was time to get a new tent. A big one our whole family could be in together. This is where we went over budget, but now we are the owners of a big, cushy tent we will be able to play with for years to come. 

3. Have a good mix of activities but don't pack too much into a day. With little ones its good to have two major parts to the day, but keep it to that. They mostly want to be in the rhythm they are at home only in this new, fun context. The day we did push it by renting a canoe for the evening lead to two whining and crying kids. Luckily near the end of the ride they both fell asleep and daddy and I got to have the awe filled experience of canoeing around in the evening. That said, we vowed to axe it next time.

4. Make your trip mostly tech free and plug into nature. Daddy definitely was checking his smart phone some by the campfire at night, but mostly we tried to leave the technology at home. I didn’t realize it was bothering me that he was on his phone till I saw him do it. To get him away from the screen I would just suggest we go for a walk to the look out and watch the stars. We also played cards by candlelight one evening. This opened time to using our senses and seeing more clearly what was around us. We took in the smell of the cook fire, strange bird calls, and the dazzle of late spring wild flowers. Our lives are often a buzz with technology, camping is a great chance to take a brain break from our phones and busy lives at home.

5. Keep the bar low for what your kids can do outdoors and they might surprise you. We took Sweatpea on mini hikes though out the campsite. We did not expect her to hike for hours in the heat; we just took her on the easiest trail and turned around whenever she was ready. Since she was leading, we ended up stopping a lot but that was good. She owned the hike and gave us a chance to take more pictures of wild flowers. When she would say she wanted to turn around sometimes I would push her and say maybe a little more? What’s beyond that bend? That sometimes worked and sometimes did not, either way we were building a relationship with nature and the more she got to decide how long she wanted to be away from camp, the more excited she was to go for a hike.

6. Always pack water, granola bars and Band-Aids before setting off anywhere. The first hike we went on was just to explore the camp ground. Sweatpea fell and scraped her knee halfway down a hill. She was super upset so I said I would go back to the campsite to get her a Band-Aid. While there I grabbed a few water bottles and granola bars. The band aid made her feel better and later on when we got a little lost following a deer path, the water made all the difference in us being able to happily finish our hike. Moral of the story, even for the shortest time out, make sure you have these things.

7. Don't let the threat of rain stop you. I think one of the major things that keep people away from camping is the fear of bad weather. I am here to tell you can even have fun camping while it is raining. If you prepare and have a good waterproof tent you can cozy a rainy afternoon away in your tent. Or, grab your boots and find puddles to splash in. Examine what the forest looks like before, during and after the rain. It is not a lot of fun cooking in the rain with no campfires, but the water can bring on other fun like playing with mud and telling stories about the rain. If you pick a campsite near a town you can even order pizza to go and eat it in your tent. Or go out for the meal and come back to your cozy tent that evening for playing cards and reading books. You can sleep with the peaceful sounds of raindrops. Rain also tends to clear out less intrepid campers so campsites are quieter. You feel like a real outdoors person after braving a few days outside in the rain. Also, nothing can beat the smell of trees and plants after rain.

8. Take advantage of all the things the park has to offer. The first thing I did after signing us in was look at all the brochures in the park’s office. I went over the map with the ranger and found out about all the cool things happening that weekend. We used the pool and the canoes. I bought a glow in the dark constellation bandana, and I got a fun mini passport book for Sweatpea for free. This booklet had all the state parks in Oklahoma and activities to do in each park. Activities included checking out special sights in the park, fun yoga moves, and a scavenger hunt on the trails. We did them all and she got a stamp at the end of our stay. There are so many fun and inexpensive ways to connect to nature in a park, it only takes time to look up info and ask around.

The hardest thing about camping with a baby was feeding her. The picnic bench was too much fun for her and she kept trying to stand up and eat. Her standing made her fall a lot and get food everywhere. I was a mess after every meal trying to hold food in my hand and put it in her mouth. I highly recommend some kind of traveling high chair for the baby stage of camping.  I also found it hard that she was crawling around in the dirt and putting everything in her mouth. Though this was challenging I still think it was important for her to explore and get dirty. We just changed clothes a lot, fished for rocks and acorns in her mouth and when I could not take it anymore, played in the tent or just put her in her carrier.  


Remember that adventure for your family is as simple as all sleeping in the same room with only a layer of tent separating you from the outside. Eating outside and seeing the stars are huge benefits as well. There is no need to plan a lot of stuff to do; the adventure is found in living outdoors for a small span of time.

 

Connecting to the Natural World

My sensual relationship with the natural world all began in a small yard, in an urban neighborhood, in a dirty New England city.  I think most young people feel a call to the wild from the domesticated edges of the nature that surrounds them. City parks and the wild un-kept fringes of these places hold mystery and sensual nature experience. A tree with climbable branches, a little danger and daring, a branch of a bush that hangs down and creates a perfect reading nook, these are the things that stimulate a relationship with nature.

As a child I was an amateur naturalist. In my urban New England town I would collect bags full of horse chestnuts and crab apples. I explored the giant woodpile my parents had delivered to our driveway each spring. We would spend the summer piling the logs into neat rows on the front porch preparing for long, cold winters. Each log was a microhabitat for bug life. I would often catch salamanders in my hands and examine all the squiggly bugs hiding under a log at the bottom of the pile. My brothers and I would play king of the mountain and climb to the top of the woodpile or hide buried among the logs on the far side of it. 

In my little urban yard I spent a lot of time hiding under the eaves of lilac bushes reading Shel Silverstein poetry. I would write in my journal under a rose bush in the semi-wild strand between our property and our neighbor’s property. The huge Norwegian maple tree in the corner of our yard was a dear friend of mine. I would gather her leaves into piles in the fall and try and kick the piles down while swinging on our play set. I picked raspberries in the far corner of the yard and marveled over the mystery of a hidden quince that flowered each spring and produced little sour fruit I did not know what to do with.

One arbor day I was given a pine sapling and planted it next to the hemlock in our yard. I planted it in the shade of the big hemlock and it soon died. I was discouraged not knowing how to properly plant the tree so it would survive. Another year, in the front yard, my mother had me plant corn seeds and before long our corn stalks reached their arms to the heavens with yummy large cobs to eat all summer. I became a corn maiden.

As a grown up and mother in my Mid South little city I use the nature in my back yard as a contemplative space for myself. I do a "Sit Spot" in a corner of the yard twice a week. For 20 minutes I sit in that spot and watch as the life of my back yard animates before me. I have never felt bored doing this. There is so much to see, listen to, and understand. I now long for my sit spot session. It is my quiet time to take in all that surrounds me. Getting to know one place, one habitat, has taught me to fall in love with where I live. It helps me to be more focused when I come back to my home afterward and step back into the role of parent. It also helps me to remember how important it is to spend time outside with my kids.

Children approach nature differently from adults. In my adult lens I want to preserve nature, to examine it without the influence of my touch. A child wants to get up in nature, feel it, pick it, prod and poke it. If we don't give them a chance to do this, they lose interest. Although I know about these differences, they can be hard to stomach. I hate it when Sweetpea picks flowers from our front yard bush. I find them piled on the console table, presents for me that are forgotten soon after the picking. I realize that in her picking she is getting to know the plant, she is touching and ripping, smelling and feeling all the essence the plant has to offer. If she just looked at the plant with her eyes she would soon tire of it. Unless I sat with her and encouraged her to look deeper, she would forget the plant. The act of taking from the plant helps her to build a relationship with it. She also helps me trim this bush in the spring. When new shoots threaten to take over the front porch. We get to hack them down together. We have a delightful scented pile of brush to play with for the next few weeks. These branches could become fairy crowns, birds’ nests, or the woven mat of a roof for an earthen shelter. 
The possibilities are endless for a pile of sticks covered in leaf and blossom. 

I have learned as an adult there is a whole category of intelligence called nature intelligence. When I have called myself a plant person I did not realize I really had the brain for it. I soak up nature knowledge and it comes easily to me. I hear a plant name and know it by heart almost immediately. I never saw this part of myself as a career path, I always saw this talent as just a part of me. Being a plant person was a piece of who I was, but not a calling. As the world shifts and changes, our climate becomes more unpredictable. Food is becoming more expensive and insecure and disconnect from the place a person lives is more prevalent. I am starting to see how much plant knowledge and earth connection is needed. My interest in birds, plants and the day-to-day wildlife is something a lot of people don't have and need help finding.

I am now seeing it as my mission to teach the skills of sustainability. I am bringing nature knowledge to young people. I am teaching adults to remember what having a sensual connection with nature is by learning about the environment that is right in front of them. I believe when people know the nature that surrounds them they care more and are more likely to make choices that keep the earth in mind. People feel Connected to the beautiful and intricate web of life starting in their backyards.

Nature Knowledge all starts in our daily environment. This knowledge is potent, it is believing we have influence and are connected to all living things. If we realize this, we give power to the earth and we give voice to the policies we want to see in place. We must appreciate the importance of being present with the beauty of our own little worlds and make sure it survives for generations to come. 

The Value Of Adventure

Recently a fellow mom friend and I were talking. We were discussing all the amazing adventures we had in our young adult lives. We longed for that fresh-eyed perspective of youth, having new ground to walk on, new people to talk to and new sensory experiences that drew us to the present. As we have both gotten older, we have chosen to have families and the days of wild abandon had shifted. We missed that aspect of ourselves. 

By, Rosa Mund-Zander

As much as we were happy with the lives we had chosen, that need for adventure was sadly neglected. We talked about the realities of being lower income and money going to meet the basic needs of our family. We also talked about how it’s different adventuring with small children and or your partner, trying to meet everyone's needs and your own at the same time.

The conversation boiled down to we both felt like we did not have enough adventure, and how it was a value of ours. Re framing adventure as a value suddenly made this big ever present desire in me spark to life. I have spent a lot of my motherhood down playing this need of mine. It is always last on the list of what we need to put energy or money toward. My husband has been a huge stumbling block in the way of this value. He does not mean to be. He just feels that one of us has to be the practical one in this regard, so he takes on that role. It has been a source of discontentment sense we became parents. 

By, James Richards for wanderarti blog

Usually the conversation goes like this:" let’s go somewhere fun this year! I want to see our friends in the NW." To which he replies, "We can't afford that." "There are all different ways to travel, what about frequent flyer miles etc." "We need to pay off debt before we can go into more debt." Most of the time I feel ashamed of this desire, like I am not putting the needs of my family first. Why would I want to do something as frivolous as travel?

By re framing adventures into a value I looked at the situation differently. If I don't have fresh perspective, my creativity suffers. I become more jaded and melancholy. I can't enjoy the experiences in front of me as easily. I parent better when I have fresh eyes and new experiences under my belt. I can share this value with my children, and they see the spark of life in their mom and get excited too.

I am a restless soul and adventure is an important thing to honor in myself. By hiding this need I am hiding a big part of the magic that is me and I am not ok with that.

By, Candace Rardon on Wanderarti blog

So how do you do it? I am still figuring that out. It started with a big conversation with my husband. I let him know adventures were a value of mine and I could not neglect it even though money is very tight. Just saying this out loud helped to get the conversation going. I have also made a list of the adventures I want to have this year. These are my heart felt intentions and goals. I am not sure how they will happen, but just setting the intention makes me feel excited.

I am also narrowing my focus on what are things I see as necessary places to go, verses any whim or passion. I am assembling a list of local adventures to keep fresh eyes on the place I am living now. When I read about a new ethnic restaurant or market, it goes on to the list.  When I hear about a neat hiking trail, a good swimming hole or camping spot, they all go on the list. I also keep a list of adventures I want to have with the family and what I want to do alone or with friends. It is so good to prioritize self-adventures where I only have to meet my needs. Also to be ready for a family adventure knowing it will look different and be about the needs of all of us.

Seeing the value in adventures is leading me to show myself more while being a mom. It’s a win win.

The Beginning: Tales of the First Tri-Master

First of all, I am thankful. I am thankful that after months of trying and years of considering we were able to conceive. The answer of weather we would have a second child has been answered. I am thankful that I got to prepare for this one and make a fully conscience decision that I am ready to be a two kid mom. I also see how my Sweetpea is really ready to be a big sister.

Next we got pregnant. The first time this happened was a surprise. Being in my senior year of college I thought I would follow the laid out path for me of MFA programs, artist residency, and maybe a few years down the line start a family. The evening I found out I was pregnant, I reached for the third pregnancy test and again, seeing a positive sign, I really freaked out. We could have been in a lot worse of a situation, I had a stable, committed and happy relationship with the dad. I was 28, not totally a spring chicken. I had a lot of really cool experiences under my belt already. I decided to be ready, then motherhood came flooding in as the biggest adventure of my life.

5 years down the line I took my pregnancy test in the afternoon and jumped for joy! Leaping across my bathroom in a Tigger type fashion. When Sweetpea woke up from her nap I told her, we squealed around the house. Then I patiently waited for two more hours till daddy got home from work. He was over the moon we all were, it was just getting to the point where I was starting to wonder about my fertility, then bam it happened. The baby waited till we moved into our new home. We conceived soon after moving in.

After a week or two of blissful excitement my little bubble popped. Pregnancy and me are not good friends. My body is not a big fan of sharing all its resources. This shows up in long bouts of violent vomiting and hours of nausea. The pattern I developed was eat a little, sleep a little, eat a little sleep a little all day long. I was in survival mode, only doing the bare minimum to get by. Daddy really stepped up to the plate, taking over a lot of Sweetpea's routine on top of working. I would show up to work and try to not vomit or fall asleep for 5 hours. Then go pick up my daughter from pre-school and spend the rest of the afternoon/evening on the couch.

I felt like I was doing a crap job with Sweetpea but she seemed to understand. When I would start randomly crying she would come over and pet my head. We watched a lot of my little pony.  I was eating like a small child so that worked well in feeding her. The vomiting started at 4 1/2 weeks for me, the only solace it provided was proof that my pregnancy was sticking and I was less likely to have a miscarriage. Though that might be something they tell new sick mothers just to make them feel better.

After days of not being able to stop hacking I decided enough was enough, medicate me. I was really anti-meds with Sweetpea. I struggled along through my whole pregnancy believing I was doing best by my baby. Maybe it is best, but this time I was not going to mess around. I had a vacation coming up I refused to be completely sick for all of it. I also have just felt more relaxed in general this pregnancy. I don't have the time to notice every little change.  I am too busy trying to keep up with my 4 year old.

I went to my first doctor's appointment and got prescribed the generic version of Zofran an anti-nausea medication. Lucky for me it worked! I still felt pregnant, had bouts of nausea and even occasional vomiting, but not nearly as much as before. I was finally able to eat without having to take a nap right afterword to keep from vomiting. The best part is I could just feel like a normal person in my body for some of the day.

I also kept this as perspective; I am building a human brain! This part is so incredible it’s hard to explain. I can't believe I have the capability to make a brain. I am crafting one of the most incredible things that nature has provided to humans. What an ordinary and extraordinary act to be pregnant. It makes me feel more connected to humanity, growing a life force is so fierce.

This is defiantly my second time around. The first time I was walking on eggs shells sure every little thing I did would affect the baby. Now I know it take s a lot to screw things up. If I stick to the tried and true resources I have a sense that this kid will be fine. I am already in good communication with "Little Pickle Lollipop" (the womb name Sweetpea and I came up with.) I gently remind the baby within how much we like food and how loved they already are. I also do a lot of deep belly rubbing, this seems to help with nausea and keeps me feeling more connected to the wee one swimming around inside of me.

I am now at the end of my first tri-master and am noticing a marked difference. Like the stages of babyhood pregnancy is an ever-changing state that you just have to role with. I can't predict how I will feel day to day but I surely remember the amazing thing that happens at the end. There is nothing like holding your little one for the first time and hearing their voice. Knowing my precious baby will be at the end of the roller coaster ride of pregnancy makes it worth it.

Venezia: Perspectives On The City Of Canals

And now for a little travel post, a summer read for your pleasure:

Oh Venice, Venezia, the beautiful city, poetry in boat and bridge form. There sits the indy young female traveler. She unbuttons her leather gloves preparing to nibble a Margherita pizza at a tiny cafe on the harbor overlooking an ancient basilica, drinking in the ambiance. A Venetian woman hardened to the charms of this touristic wonderland. She holds still, eyes glazed on the water boat metro (Vaporetto) as swarms of people scrunch past her with the ever-present inflection of "Permesso, Permesso," (excuse me.) The small child, buttoned up in a wool coat and matching hat, heels clicking across a cobblestone square. She only knows life within the confines of narrow alleyways, piazzas with only one tree planted in the middle. The withered leaves holding all the oxygen of the appartamento’s lining the square built in the 14th century surrounding the Jewish ghetto.

This city, where people breath deep and long sharing the same cluttered archways with pedestrians, boats, scooters and bicycles. Where the same stories are retold on Latin tongues buried deep in cappuccinos at restaurants where recipes are passed down through each generation. A city where the modern artists mimic old ideas retold from the floors of Cathedrals transforming to canvas in techno colors in a galleria stinking of formaldehyde or sewage. A smell that is the base layer of Vencie, stinky, fanciful, man made and imagined. The very wealthy living in a bubble of comfort. The very local living down secret alleyways never touched by the tourist track.

Mist comes in soft puffs down the grand canal, leaving a tiny veil on the fine china cups used to sip espresso in the morning. A cloud of moisture over the calloused hands of the rope tiers who bring the vaporetto to a stop for loading and unloading. The same damp that musses the feathers of pigeons ready to dance in the puddles of Piazza Saint Marco. This veil that captures the mystery of this thoroughly man-made city.

How perfect that glass blowing is the chosen art form of this place. What a delicate and strong art form for a city steeped in fantasy and hard labor.  

From 20's to 30's

Lately I have been thinking a lot about what it was like being in my 20's. Most of these thoughts turn to nostalgia. I think about being care free and untethered. I remember what it was like to pick up and go and find myself in all kinds of excellent adventures. Free spirit was the name they attached to my life style. I tend to marvel at the audacity of my younger self. Life was really cut open at that point and I intended to experience it all. Lots of lovers, travels, activism, jobs and experiences. The 20's mullet mom always said yes to random occurrence and often spent time in new and unusual ways. She would call people out on the bus for negatively catching her attention. She would spend dark nights at cafes writing then walk the 5 miles home after missing the late bus. She rode her bike in the rain and picked up odd jobs, mostly playing with kids, then would save enough to travel and go on escapades all over the world.

I sometimes miss that whimsy and envy that freedom and then I remember the not so rosy side of being in my 20's. A good show to watch as a reminder of the hardship of being in your 20's is HBO’s "Girls." Lena Dunham does an excellent job portraying her generation’s age and the time that happens for some folks post college entering the adult world. Mostly she shows how awkward it is to discover oneself. All the insecurity and pain experienced in this age of trying to find connection and home. Dunham shows all the insecurity in her main characters as they go through gross sexual experiences, labor oppression, striving for dreams and falling flat, trying new things and being put in painful and awkward situations.

Not feeling like you have people or a home is a really challenging experience. In my 20's I went from house to house. I had high hopes for a career then had to look through the realistic lens of making money. I had to fake so much experience to try and fit into an adult standard of how to act in order to get a job. That sense of freedom came with the price of an intense un-rootedness. I definitely had people close to me at that time, very close considering I moved so much but still felt that sense of isolation and needing to figure it all out with little help. At the same time I cherish what I did in my 20's and am so proud of that younger me who tried so many things and was this punk rock queer radical who didn't let oppression get her down and also I am glad to be done with that time.

From Mylifescoop.com

In my 30's I am still considered a free spirit but it looks different now. I live my life in connection with a family that nourishes my soul. I have found ways of being safe and taking care of myself while still pushing the envelope. I live a little less on the edge and am benefiting from it. I know myself more and what I am about. I know there are surprises yet to be discovered in my future but now I know I have that safety net to return to at the end of it. I still consider myself a punk rock queer. I still shrink at most things adult, like investments, making lots of money and status through objects. I am coming into my own with the balance of being ok with embracing some securities of the adult world and at the same time living it on my own terms. Part of this is moving to Tulsa, the happy medium of my adult life. I don't know if we will be here forever but I do know I will be here long enough to have Sweetpea be a teen and grow a fruit tree to fruition.  I will see what life dishes out in the coming years. I turn 33 this June, my lucky number.

Spring Crush

The spring is my favorite season, the open possibility, the re-generation of life spelled out in millions of plants and trees. It is the season of green, deep, passionate green. Spring is for romantics, something I have always been. The sensuality of spring holds some of my favorite memories. I have lived through many springs in all parts of the beautiful United States. I want to take a moment to examine the spring of Oklahoma and how it looks up against the backdrop of growing up in Connecticut, my northwest home and plant education and my more recent central Texas life. I am sentimental this time of year for all the places I have lived and miss elements of the spring in each place. 

In Connecticut it was all about the crocus. The elusive lady friend peeking up in grassy patches marking the end of the freezes. The ones with purple and white stripes were my favorites. I love their little pointy striped leaves and the sweet surprise of happening upon them in bunches across wet tracks of city parks. The cherry blossoms lining Wooster square were another New Haven favorite. As a teenager I walked through the park with a camera in hand taking pictures of friends covered in petals laughing with flowers in our hair as we witnessed the beauty of a hundred pink and white blooming trees.  

In the Northwest this season was marked with love, the ending of the dreary season and the possibility of warmth, shedding the under layers and being awe struck underneath blooming plum trees. This was the season of pretending you are not cold when you leave your jacket at home on a hopeful sunny afternoon turned stormy evening. Then waiting at a bus stop stomping your feet to stay warm and shivering through spring! The season of flirty smiles, longer evenings and enchanted bike rides. My friends and I always seemed to go on more dates in the Spring. It was time to start noticing people after the long, wet winter. Clumps of violets bloomed under oak trees and trillium would pop up under cedars as delicate and magical as a fairy. I traveled north to the Skagit valley to immerse in the color of the tulip fields. Thousands of varieties maybe only ever seen before in Holland to the back drop of huge, blue mountains and deep white clouds. I never had as much love for a cultivated plant as when I saw the brilliance of a field of red tulips. 

 In Texas spring is wild flower season, I think it may be the prettiest spring I have ever experienced. The weather warms up to sundress standards and there you are experiencing sunshine and a million varieties of wild plants. Fields of flowers grow on the side of the highways; purple, orange and deep black cones dot every field and lot. The trees come back in full force and electric green blankets the earth. And blue bonnets, blue bonnets, and blue bonnets! Warm and happy you skip around to all the various out door music experiences Austin has to offer. We always took portraits of our family in the flowers. Is there anything so primal as a wild flower? I am convinced the essence of passionate nature lies in the throat of crimson clover. In our yard after a good rain the rain lilies would peek up their heads. A sister to trillium in the northwest these plants are like congratulations for making it through a flash flood, a little white angel of hope in our yard.

In Tulsa it is all about the azaleas. It seems every one here thought it was a marvelous idea to plant this bush in their yard the cumulative affect is the most radiant extreme hedges of color everywhere you look for at least a month. You get so much return with these bushes I am surprised I have not noticed them before living in Tulsa. The bush is filled with blossoms in the colors of white, fuchsia, baby pink, orange, deep red and yellow.  They are like the little sisters of rhododendron, all show and punch. Another plant this town does well is dogwood trees. I have never truly appreciated the dogwood tree till moving here. The elegance of this tree is regal. It comes in white or pink and the underside makes the most perfect cookie cutter shape. The majestic red bud of this region is also a local favorite. Tiny pink blossoms grow up the trunks and branches of the tree and bring a sweet dark pink beginning to the season.

Spring is in my lungs from all the pollen, my back from all the yard work and my heart from all the love of the cultivated and wild plants of this land.

How to be yourself be a mom and be a wife

I thought up this title the other day on a car ride to go pick up my daughter from pre-school. The reality of it is I am a novice at this and feel in the middle of a learning curve. In the short amount of years I have taken on these identities I have figured some stuff out I would like to share. I am writing this as much for myself to be a reminder of the important things as for you dear reader. I used the word wife because it makes me cringe every time so I feel it’s important to address that as well. All you other mothers/folks in life long partnerships if you have any thoughts around this topic please share in the comments. 

1. Communicate

Partners are not mind readers. Sometimes I wish they were. I find the second there is icky energy between daddy and I, if I address it, it goes away. No grudges, no hard feelings, just good solid truth telling. Sometimes this is really hard especially if it’s something vulnerable, which it often is, but if I get over that heart racing feeling and tell him what I really think, I always feel better. We both do.

2. Listen to your heart

My mind can go all over the place, rationalizing hurts, dwelling in feelings and minute details, trailing into uncertainty but if I listen to my mind through my heart I often know what’s best and follow the pumping organs advise. It might not always be the easiest answer but it is the most authentic and then I know I am being myself.

By Allison Paige

3. Have really close people in your life that are not your partner or kids

There is so much pressure to have your partner and family fulfill your every need for closeness. In most relationships these are the easiest folks to fall back on. I find that most folks I know need more then that. When you know you will get really good connection from a dear friend the pressure is off your partner to disappoint when they don't want to do the same things as you. When you have some folks to hang with that are not your family life seems bigger and having the option to miss your loved ones and look forward to coming back to there loving embraces is a good sensation as opposed to always having to be there.

4. Hold onto dreams no matter how impossible they seem. 

This is really important in maintaining the being your self part of being in a family. My dreams don't have the instant gratification they used to have in my early 20s. My dreams require timelines and negotiation; they require compromise and fitting into windows of time that never quiet feel like enough. But they are still my dreams and live vividly in my head. My partner gives me the focus of time and how long I have to achieve all that I want, so I keep the long range plan in mind and find ways to fulfill some of my dreams while being in the present. Keeping my dreams alive in my head helps be remember I still have all that beautiful, creative energy in me and one day I will do it all.

 5. Let go of the little things and remember the bigger picture every day

All the little S#*@t that bugs me each day has got to go. Some of it is worth communicating and following my heart about but if I let the mounds of little irritating things pile up it ruins my outlook and keeps me away from being my authentic self. We all have habits that piss each other off. Lets live with the feelings, then kick them out and move on. Some days this is easier then others so I try to wipe the slate clean at night, I sleep better because of this.

6. Have practices and rituals that are just yours that you attend to every week. 

Often if the ritual involves exercise I get the added bonus of feeling all the endorphins from movement. Even if this means spending 5 min. reading a paragraph from a book I love it really makes all the difference. It is all about checking in with myself, setting it up that my needs are just as important as the folks I care for and cohabitant with.

By Lotte Laserstein

7. Find a way to laugh and or feel delight every day/week.

This might just happen spontaneously, it does in my life and it’s easy to not notice it when I feel down. If I make an intention of feeling delight and laughter I seek out the experiences that bring it. This often involves noticing cool things about Sweetpea, playing silly games, singing, being outdoors, watching funny movies, planning out an adventure.

8. Have a freakin' date with your partner where you don't talk about parenting, finances, the future or any topic other then the pure delight of the present or sharing happy stories from the past.

Daddy and I have had dates where we end up in a tailspin about the future or we spend so much time talking about Sweetpea we don't feel like we left her at all. I have had to be intentional in this area. Thinking about what I can talk about that will just inspire us, save the heavy conversations for specified times not date night. Sweetpea can be a source of delight to talk about but sometimes its good to just leave behind the parenting role for a few hours and just focus on each other not as parents.

9. Kiss and hug your children and partner often, look for ways to cuddle and be physically close when you are together. Being close melts away the bad feelings, being close is one of the most human things we can do, it builds intimacy, reminds me why I chose to live in a partnership and brings a sense of wholeness to the grand scheme of life. Being close always brings smiles to my face and the faces of my loved ones.

10. Recognize the inequality inherent in relationships, roles and being a part of a family but don't dwell there, seek ways to change these things and also come to places of peace with the good, the bad and the serendipitous parts of choosing this life.