The Life And Death Of A Friend

Recently, a good friend of mine died. She was a mother of two, a fierce and insightful being that decided to take her own life. Two weeks after the horror and shock of this event I have been left in a pondering stage of grief.  Thinking about what all she lost by leaving us to soon and what I still have to learn about her. I also think about odd things like what she is missing by not having a body on this earth any longer. How she doesn't have to deal with this crazy world we live in anymore. The two mass shootings in the US this week, who to vote for president next year, what exactly climate change will do to us in Tulsa. All those intense and complicated things she does not have to deal with any longer.

She created a ripple in our community. I would not call her a community leader, but deeply embedded in the alternative circles we both tended to hang out in. She was an artist and a healer and shared her talents with us through tarot readings, massage, kundalini yoga and sexual awareness workshops for women. She thought it was a tragedy that there were some women that had never experienced an orgasm and wanted to help all women claim this magical right.

Our relationship was separate from any circle. We did not meet through friends, it was at an art opening where we recognized that spark of commonality. Our kids became fast friends and that made us get closer. We bonded over living in the NW and being transplants to the mid-south. we shared hippi alternative view points. Our values were aligned in connecting ourselves and our kids to nature, eating fermented foods, making art and living a life in the counter culture.

At her memorial they had on display some of her things. In the eulogy our minister spoke of her being an avid collector. Having real style and sensuality. One of her friends was quoted with saying "It was like being with an angel who got kicked out of heaven for making a lewd joke." That was her in all her glory.

I also wonder what I could have done to prevent this from happening. I know it was not in my hands but I do think of the ways I was passive about her addiction issues. How I waited for her to come to me instead of being an active helper. How I watched her family go through transition after transition and felt paralyzed to help them. I saw her get more in debt and feel helpless in her situation. Held captive by the restrains of capitalism, being a parent and a free spirit.

By Jenny Armitage

At her eulogy I learned so much about her history I never knew. There are still many mysteries that now will only be brought to light with the stories of the ones who knew her. This experience has made me value all the parts of my story and how I don't want to wait till I am dead for people to know who I really am.

We are left with holding onto her family, her loved ones she left behind. Her daughter and son have to have a community of mothers and I am now one of them. I will continue to learn her story and not let her life fade into the past.

Spring Crush

The spring is my favorite season, the open possibility, the re-generation of life spelled out in millions of plants and trees. It is the season of green, deep, passionate green. Spring is for romantics, something I have always been. The sensuality of spring holds some of my favorite memories. I have lived through many springs in all parts of the beautiful United States. I want to take a moment to examine the spring of Oklahoma and how it looks up against the backdrop of growing up in Connecticut, my northwest home and plant education and my more recent central Texas life. I am sentimental this time of year for all the places I have lived and miss elements of the spring in each place. 

In Connecticut it was all about the crocus. The elusive lady friend peeking up in grassy patches marking the end of the freezes. The ones with purple and white stripes were my favorites. I love their little pointy striped leaves and the sweet surprise of happening upon them in bunches across wet tracks of city parks. The cherry blossoms lining Wooster square were another New Haven favorite. As a teenager I walked through the park with a camera in hand taking pictures of friends covered in petals laughing with flowers in our hair as we witnessed the beauty of a hundred pink and white blooming trees.  

In the Northwest this season was marked with love, the ending of the dreary season and the possibility of warmth, shedding the under layers and being awe struck underneath blooming plum trees. This was the season of pretending you are not cold when you leave your jacket at home on a hopeful sunny afternoon turned stormy evening. Then waiting at a bus stop stomping your feet to stay warm and shivering through spring! The season of flirty smiles, longer evenings and enchanted bike rides. My friends and I always seemed to go on more dates in the Spring. It was time to start noticing people after the long, wet winter. Clumps of violets bloomed under oak trees and trillium would pop up under cedars as delicate and magical as a fairy. I traveled north to the Skagit valley to immerse in the color of the tulip fields. Thousands of varieties maybe only ever seen before in Holland to the back drop of huge, blue mountains and deep white clouds. I never had as much love for a cultivated plant as when I saw the brilliance of a field of red tulips. 

 In Texas spring is wild flower season, I think it may be the prettiest spring I have ever experienced. The weather warms up to sundress standards and there you are experiencing sunshine and a million varieties of wild plants. Fields of flowers grow on the side of the highways; purple, orange and deep black cones dot every field and lot. The trees come back in full force and electric green blankets the earth. And blue bonnets, blue bonnets, and blue bonnets! Warm and happy you skip around to all the various out door music experiences Austin has to offer. We always took portraits of our family in the flowers. Is there anything so primal as a wild flower? I am convinced the essence of passionate nature lies in the throat of crimson clover. In our yard after a good rain the rain lilies would peek up their heads. A sister to trillium in the northwest these plants are like congratulations for making it through a flash flood, a little white angel of hope in our yard.

In Tulsa it is all about the azaleas. It seems every one here thought it was a marvelous idea to plant this bush in their yard the cumulative affect is the most radiant extreme hedges of color everywhere you look for at least a month. You get so much return with these bushes I am surprised I have not noticed them before living in Tulsa. The bush is filled with blossoms in the colors of white, fuchsia, baby pink, orange, deep red and yellow.  They are like the little sisters of rhododendron, all show and punch. Another plant this town does well is dogwood trees. I have never truly appreciated the dogwood tree till moving here. The elegance of this tree is regal. It comes in white or pink and the underside makes the most perfect cookie cutter shape. The majestic red bud of this region is also a local favorite. Tiny pink blossoms grow up the trunks and branches of the tree and bring a sweet dark pink beginning to the season.

Spring is in my lungs from all the pollen, my back from all the yard work and my heart from all the love of the cultivated and wild plants of this land.

How to be yourself be a mom and be a wife

I thought up this title the other day on a car ride to go pick up my daughter from pre-school. The reality of it is I am a novice at this and feel in the middle of a learning curve. In the short amount of years I have taken on these identities I have figured some stuff out I would like to share. I am writing this as much for myself to be a reminder of the important things as for you dear reader. I used the word wife because it makes me cringe every time so I feel it’s important to address that as well. All you other mothers/folks in life long partnerships if you have any thoughts around this topic please share in the comments. 

1. Communicate

Partners are not mind readers. Sometimes I wish they were. I find the second there is icky energy between daddy and I, if I address it, it goes away. No grudges, no hard feelings, just good solid truth telling. Sometimes this is really hard especially if it’s something vulnerable, which it often is, but if I get over that heart racing feeling and tell him what I really think, I always feel better. We both do.

2. Listen to your heart

My mind can go all over the place, rationalizing hurts, dwelling in feelings and minute details, trailing into uncertainty but if I listen to my mind through my heart I often know what’s best and follow the pumping organs advise. It might not always be the easiest answer but it is the most authentic and then I know I am being myself.

By Allison Paige

3. Have really close people in your life that are not your partner or kids

There is so much pressure to have your partner and family fulfill your every need for closeness. In most relationships these are the easiest folks to fall back on. I find that most folks I know need more then that. When you know you will get really good connection from a dear friend the pressure is off your partner to disappoint when they don't want to do the same things as you. When you have some folks to hang with that are not your family life seems bigger and having the option to miss your loved ones and look forward to coming back to there loving embraces is a good sensation as opposed to always having to be there.

4. Hold onto dreams no matter how impossible they seem. 

This is really important in maintaining the being your self part of being in a family. My dreams don't have the instant gratification they used to have in my early 20s. My dreams require timelines and negotiation; they require compromise and fitting into windows of time that never quiet feel like enough. But they are still my dreams and live vividly in my head. My partner gives me the focus of time and how long I have to achieve all that I want, so I keep the long range plan in mind and find ways to fulfill some of my dreams while being in the present. Keeping my dreams alive in my head helps be remember I still have all that beautiful, creative energy in me and one day I will do it all.

 5. Let go of the little things and remember the bigger picture every day

All the little S#*@t that bugs me each day has got to go. Some of it is worth communicating and following my heart about but if I let the mounds of little irritating things pile up it ruins my outlook and keeps me away from being my authentic self. We all have habits that piss each other off. Lets live with the feelings, then kick them out and move on. Some days this is easier then others so I try to wipe the slate clean at night, I sleep better because of this.

6. Have practices and rituals that are just yours that you attend to every week. 

Often if the ritual involves exercise I get the added bonus of feeling all the endorphins from movement. Even if this means spending 5 min. reading a paragraph from a book I love it really makes all the difference. It is all about checking in with myself, setting it up that my needs are just as important as the folks I care for and cohabitant with.

By Lotte Laserstein

7. Find a way to laugh and or feel delight every day/week.

This might just happen spontaneously, it does in my life and it’s easy to not notice it when I feel down. If I make an intention of feeling delight and laughter I seek out the experiences that bring it. This often involves noticing cool things about Sweetpea, playing silly games, singing, being outdoors, watching funny movies, planning out an adventure.

8. Have a freakin' date with your partner where you don't talk about parenting, finances, the future or any topic other then the pure delight of the present or sharing happy stories from the past.

Daddy and I have had dates where we end up in a tailspin about the future or we spend so much time talking about Sweetpea we don't feel like we left her at all. I have had to be intentional in this area. Thinking about what I can talk about that will just inspire us, save the heavy conversations for specified times not date night. Sweetpea can be a source of delight to talk about but sometimes its good to just leave behind the parenting role for a few hours and just focus on each other not as parents.

9. Kiss and hug your children and partner often, look for ways to cuddle and be physically close when you are together. Being close melts away the bad feelings, being close is one of the most human things we can do, it builds intimacy, reminds me why I chose to live in a partnership and brings a sense of wholeness to the grand scheme of life. Being close always brings smiles to my face and the faces of my loved ones.

10. Recognize the inequality inherent in relationships, roles and being a part of a family but don't dwell there, seek ways to change these things and also come to places of peace with the good, the bad and the serendipitous parts of choosing this life.

Wannabe Children's Librarian

Somehow this whole post I wrote was lost, so sad! I know I should save my work on more than this blog.  I often make extra copies but this time I did not and all my pretty writing evaporated into internet land.
Lets start again...

I have compiled a list of children's books I love. I recently realized I am an aficionado of the library. I have cherished library's sense I was young and have developed a keen eye for finding good books. Sweetpea has started to help, she will pull out books I did not think would be good and have greatly surpassed my expectations. this list is not complete, it is a living document. I would love it if you would share some of your favorites in the comments below. I have put them in categories to make it easier to reference. I have put some reviews but did not have the patience to review them all so please check the book out even if it does not have a review. Enjoy and pass it on! Also an acquaintance back in Olympia made a blog specifically about radical books for kids please check that out as well. 
http://revolutionthroughchildhood.blogspot.com/

Children's Books I love:

Multicultural Perspective:
"Say Hello" By Rachel Isadora (The author works in collage and makes beautiful depictions of children living in NYC. The main character in this book is a girl learning how to say hello in the many languages spoken in her neighborhood. I recommend other books by this author as well)
"Storm Boy" and "Frog Girl" By Paul Owen Lewis (Wonderful tales about Northwest US tribes. I love the pictures in these books.
"The Legend of the Blue Bonnet" By Tomi Depola (This book is complex for younger kids but worth talking about. Depola adapted this Comanche story which has some issues, ie him being white and telling a native story, but I still think the message is important.)
"Wabi Sabi" By Mark Reibstein ( Beautiful collage work, a great intro to Haiku and Japanese culture)
"Mrs. Katz and Tush" and "Rechenka's Eggs By Patricia Polacco ( I love this author, her drawings and stories are always unique and insightful. these two stories are my favorites so far, the first one is about black and Jewish cultural similarities, when do you hear about this? Not enough, also a great story of kindness and becoming friends. The second is a great tale from Russia, I love the babushka in this book, she is written so perfectly.
"Bee Bim Bop" By Linda Sue Park ( A rhyming sing song book about making this popular Korean dish. Sweetpea loves the rhythm in the book and the little girl helping to cook.)
"Mama Do you Love Me? By Barbara M. Joosse
"Auntie Yang's Great Soy Bean Picnic" By, Ginnie Lo

Depression Era/ Historical:
"The Gardener" By Sarah Stewart A wonderful story that made me tear up about a young girl having to leave her family and work and how she keeps her bright spirit alive wherever she is, very Anne of Green Gables esque.
"Peppe the Lamplighter" By Elisa Bartone Though I do not love the story of this book I think they are a little to hard on the kid, The illustrations are amazing and worth gawking over.
"Mirette on The High Wire" By Emily Arnold McCully

Environmentalism:
"Wump World" By Bill Peet (A classic from my childhood about humans affect on the green planet and animals trying to survive in the midst of it. A tale about colonization as well.)
"The Earth Book" By Todd Parr ( Todd Parr has a simple, fun way of explaining things that kids will understand about conserving the earth's resources. He also writes great books about over coming adversity.)
"The Whales" By Cynthia Rylant 
"My Garden" By Kevin Henkes
"Mama is it Summer Yet" By Nikki McClure
"The Green Mother Goose" By Jan Peck & David Davis (Retold eco wise mother goose rhymes. I use this book in teaching my classes as well as singing it to Sweetpea. This is her only mother goose book so this is how she knows these classic rhymes. :)
"Mossy" By Jane Brett (I love the illustrations in Brett's books and particularly this one. the forest comes alive in her beautiful drawings.)

Living Off the Land:
"One Morning in Maine" By Robert McClosky (Another classic from my childhood, beautifully illustrated about a family living off the land on an island in Maine.)
"Ox Cart Man" By Donald Hall
"When I was young in The Mountains" By Cynthia Rylant 

"Fredrick" By Leo Lionni (This is an all time favorite about what artists bring to a survival culture.)

Tales:
"The Hare and The Tortoise" Retold By Helen Ward  (Ward has amazing scientific quality illustrations that she adds to this classic tale. She introduces the reader to a great story and uses tons of different animals, Sweet pea and I love to talk about all the different animals we see. There is a key in back as well. She also does a full book retelling Aseop's fables I want to check out.
"Why Mosquitos Buzz in People's Ears, A West African Tale" By Verena Aardema

 Classics:
"Miss Rumphius" By Barbara Cooney (Another childhood classic, a great story about adventure and a woman making her dent in the world by herself.)
Steven Kellog Books "The Mysterious Tad Pole," "Best Friends," The Pinkerton Series, Ralph's Secret Weapon"
"Madeline" & the whole series of her books By Ludwig Bemelmans
"Blueberries for Sal" and "Make Way For Ducklings" By Robert McClosky
"Herold and The Purple Crayon"
"One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish" By Dr. Seuss
"Eloise" By Kay Thompson
"The Church Cat" & the whole series of books By Graham Oakley (I grew up hearing my mom read these books, they are British and 70's and just as much fun for parents as kids. Also hard to find and out of print mostly.)
"Little Bear Books" By Else Holmelund Minarick
"Frog and Toad" Books By Arnold Lobel
"Corduroy" By Don Freeman
"The Snowy Day" By Ezra Jack Keats

Fun:
Toot and Puddle & Top of The World By Holly Hobbie
Fancy Nancy Bonjour Butterfly & The Aspiring Artist By Jane O'Connor (When Sweetpea picked this out I hesitated, all the glitter and girlyness made me cringe. As I read the book though I could see how fun this book could be. Nancy is bright and easy to love, a fresh perspective in this high femme book.  
Betsy B Little By Anne McEvoy (Another lovable pink, ballet book about a very tall giraffe that wants to dance and overcomes obstacles related to her size to do it. The whole book rhymes and Sweetpea has memorized it.)
"SkippyJon Jones" and the series of books By Judy Schachner (Still not sure about how I feel about these books, mostly not sure about the white author taking on Latin American culture in her tongue twister tales. Still, these books are fun, a roller coaster of words and adventures centered around a  Siamese cat with a big imagination. )
"In The Town All Year Round" By Rotraut Susanne Berner (We have looked at this book twice a week for over a year now. Sweetpea loves to find new stories in the detailed pictures. Similar to a "Where's Waldo" book and a choose your own adventure series for young readers, this book shows a European town through the seasons of the year.)
"Epossumondas" By Coleen Salley

 Strong Girl Theme:
"Sally Jean the Bicycle Queen" By Cari Best (Another Sweetpea find! this book is awesome. It is an inspiring story about a girl who grows up loving bicycles and has to use her own ingenuity to make a bike of her own. Feminism, bikes and recycling all in one book!)
"Not One Damsel In Distress" By Jane Yolen (A great collection of stories all about strong female leaders. Not all are appropriate for young children, I look forward to reading and discussing them with Sweetpea as she gets older.)
 

A Glimpse of Italia

Click here to view this photo book larger

Create your own custom photo books at Shutterfly.com.


I made this book in honor of my dearest friend Melissa. Melissa has seen me through all my biggest adult life journeys. She has been there for the birth of my daughter, maid of honor at my wedding and adventure explorer on multiple trips. She has seen me through all kinds of phases including living with me in a one room artist loft, taking me to my first drag show, supporting me in my decision to date a man and go to college. Two things I did not see in the cards in my early 20's. She is solid as a rock in my ever changing life and I feel so lucky to have her. This is for you Honeybee, may we be this close forever.

And Sometimes Mama Gets A Break

I am dusting off my back pack, shouting so long to the old USA and diving into the thrilling sport of adventure and travel with my dear friend Honeybee. We leave next week for the olive groves, red tiled roofs and picturesque piazzas of Italy. Landing in the romantic city of Venice. This trip has been six months in the planning yet I still can't believe I will be boarding a plane alone next week to have 10 days of kid free time. I feel like I am getting away with something I should not be. Like once you become a mom that is your identity something you can't peel off like a satin dress. its like a pair of plaid pajamas you will wear for the rest of your life. The freedom of my early 20's was washed away. I now get my thrills from the domestic existence of mostly full time parenting and being in a partnership.

Well, I love my plaid pajamas, especially the sweetest M family, but sometimes it is just right to get back into that satin dress, dawn some fresh lipstick and step out sans child roaming the world the way I used too. Sure I am scared, scared I will miss Sweetpea so much, that she will miss me, that something will go terribly wrong when I am gone and I will be too far away to do anything. Scared daddy will be resentful of my full freedom, that at work, my students will forget me and we will have to re-invent the wheel when I return after getting to such a good place. Will all this fear stop me? No way. Thanks to the advent of Skype I will get to see her sometimes. She gets to be with her loving grandmother while I am gone and be with her adoring daddy. I will also get the chance to hit the refresh button on our relationship. Parenting a toddler requires a lot of refresh.

We start in Venice staying right off the grand canal. We move on to Cinque Terra and stay in the town of Vernazza. After this we head to Florence to rent a car in Tuscany for Easter weekend. I have never ridden a car in a foreign country I am scared and excited. After this we cross our fingers that the Uffizi Gallery in Florence will be open Easter Monday, if not we will see the Duomo and enjoy the renaissance architecture. We then take a train south to Sorrento in search of sun and beach on the Amalfi coast. We will end in Rome, a city I have been to most recently while filming Travel Queeries.

This trip marks a friend anniversary. 11 years ago two travelers in back packs with train passes and a hint of whimsey transversed most of Italy in 2 weeks. Now 11 years later with roller luggage we take on a  smaller chunk of the country hitting the highlights. A focus on good food and relaxation. As I grow older and see how easy it is to value my family life over my friend life I am happy to make this exception to the rule.