From 20's to 30's

Lately I have been thinking a lot about what it was like being in my 20's. Most of these thoughts turn to nostalgia. I think about being care free and untethered. I remember what it was like to pick up and go and find myself in all kinds of excellent adventures. Free spirit was the name they attached to my life style. I tend to marvel at the audacity of my younger self. Life was really cut open at that point and I intended to experience it all. Lots of lovers, travels, activism, jobs and experiences. The 20's mullet mom always said yes to random occurrence and often spent time in new and unusual ways. She would call people out on the bus for negatively catching her attention. She would spend dark nights at cafes writing then walk the 5 miles home after missing the late bus. She rode her bike in the rain and picked up odd jobs, mostly playing with kids, then would save enough to travel and go on escapades all over the world.

I sometimes miss that whimsy and envy that freedom and then I remember the not so rosy side of being in my 20's. A good show to watch as a reminder of the hardship of being in your 20's is HBO’s "Girls." Lena Dunham does an excellent job portraying her generation’s age and the time that happens for some folks post college entering the adult world. Mostly she shows how awkward it is to discover oneself. All the insecurity and pain experienced in this age of trying to find connection and home. Dunham shows all the insecurity in her main characters as they go through gross sexual experiences, labor oppression, striving for dreams and falling flat, trying new things and being put in painful and awkward situations.

Not feeling like you have people or a home is a really challenging experience. In my 20's I went from house to house. I had high hopes for a career then had to look through the realistic lens of making money. I had to fake so much experience to try and fit into an adult standard of how to act in order to get a job. That sense of freedom came with the price of an intense un-rootedness. I definitely had people close to me at that time, very close considering I moved so much but still felt that sense of isolation and needing to figure it all out with little help. At the same time I cherish what I did in my 20's and am so proud of that younger me who tried so many things and was this punk rock queer radical who didn't let oppression get her down and also I am glad to be done with that time.

From Mylifescoop.com

In my 30's I am still considered a free spirit but it looks different now. I live my life in connection with a family that nourishes my soul. I have found ways of being safe and taking care of myself while still pushing the envelope. I live a little less on the edge and am benefiting from it. I know myself more and what I am about. I know there are surprises yet to be discovered in my future but now I know I have that safety net to return to at the end of it. I still consider myself a punk rock queer. I still shrink at most things adult, like investments, making lots of money and status through objects. I am coming into my own with the balance of being ok with embracing some securities of the adult world and at the same time living it on my own terms. Part of this is moving to Tulsa, the happy medium of my adult life. I don't know if we will be here forever but I do know I will be here long enough to have Sweetpea be a teen and grow a fruit tree to fruition.  I will see what life dishes out in the coming years. I turn 33 this June, my lucky number.

How to be yourself be a mom and be a wife

I thought up this title the other day on a car ride to go pick up my daughter from pre-school. The reality of it is I am a novice at this and feel in the middle of a learning curve. In the short amount of years I have taken on these identities I have figured some stuff out I would like to share. I am writing this as much for myself to be a reminder of the important things as for you dear reader. I used the word wife because it makes me cringe every time so I feel it’s important to address that as well. All you other mothers/folks in life long partnerships if you have any thoughts around this topic please share in the comments. 

1. Communicate

Partners are not mind readers. Sometimes I wish they were. I find the second there is icky energy between daddy and I, if I address it, it goes away. No grudges, no hard feelings, just good solid truth telling. Sometimes this is really hard especially if it’s something vulnerable, which it often is, but if I get over that heart racing feeling and tell him what I really think, I always feel better. We both do.

2. Listen to your heart

My mind can go all over the place, rationalizing hurts, dwelling in feelings and minute details, trailing into uncertainty but if I listen to my mind through my heart I often know what’s best and follow the pumping organs advise. It might not always be the easiest answer but it is the most authentic and then I know I am being myself.

By Allison Paige

3. Have really close people in your life that are not your partner or kids

There is so much pressure to have your partner and family fulfill your every need for closeness. In most relationships these are the easiest folks to fall back on. I find that most folks I know need more then that. When you know you will get really good connection from a dear friend the pressure is off your partner to disappoint when they don't want to do the same things as you. When you have some folks to hang with that are not your family life seems bigger and having the option to miss your loved ones and look forward to coming back to there loving embraces is a good sensation as opposed to always having to be there.

4. Hold onto dreams no matter how impossible they seem. 

This is really important in maintaining the being your self part of being in a family. My dreams don't have the instant gratification they used to have in my early 20s. My dreams require timelines and negotiation; they require compromise and fitting into windows of time that never quiet feel like enough. But they are still my dreams and live vividly in my head. My partner gives me the focus of time and how long I have to achieve all that I want, so I keep the long range plan in mind and find ways to fulfill some of my dreams while being in the present. Keeping my dreams alive in my head helps be remember I still have all that beautiful, creative energy in me and one day I will do it all.

 5. Let go of the little things and remember the bigger picture every day

All the little S#*@t that bugs me each day has got to go. Some of it is worth communicating and following my heart about but if I let the mounds of little irritating things pile up it ruins my outlook and keeps me away from being my authentic self. We all have habits that piss each other off. Lets live with the feelings, then kick them out and move on. Some days this is easier then others so I try to wipe the slate clean at night, I sleep better because of this.

6. Have practices and rituals that are just yours that you attend to every week. 

Often if the ritual involves exercise I get the added bonus of feeling all the endorphins from movement. Even if this means spending 5 min. reading a paragraph from a book I love it really makes all the difference. It is all about checking in with myself, setting it up that my needs are just as important as the folks I care for and cohabitant with.

By Lotte Laserstein

7. Find a way to laugh and or feel delight every day/week.

This might just happen spontaneously, it does in my life and it’s easy to not notice it when I feel down. If I make an intention of feeling delight and laughter I seek out the experiences that bring it. This often involves noticing cool things about Sweetpea, playing silly games, singing, being outdoors, watching funny movies, planning out an adventure.

8. Have a freakin' date with your partner where you don't talk about parenting, finances, the future or any topic other then the pure delight of the present or sharing happy stories from the past.

Daddy and I have had dates where we end up in a tailspin about the future or we spend so much time talking about Sweetpea we don't feel like we left her at all. I have had to be intentional in this area. Thinking about what I can talk about that will just inspire us, save the heavy conversations for specified times not date night. Sweetpea can be a source of delight to talk about but sometimes its good to just leave behind the parenting role for a few hours and just focus on each other not as parents.

9. Kiss and hug your children and partner often, look for ways to cuddle and be physically close when you are together. Being close melts away the bad feelings, being close is one of the most human things we can do, it builds intimacy, reminds me why I chose to live in a partnership and brings a sense of wholeness to the grand scheme of life. Being close always brings smiles to my face and the faces of my loved ones.

10. Recognize the inequality inherent in relationships, roles and being a part of a family but don't dwell there, seek ways to change these things and also come to places of peace with the good, the bad and the serendipitous parts of choosing this life.

Radically Choosing The Un-Hip Home

In all my wildest imaginings of where I would find home I did not expect it to be Tulsa Oklahoma. After two weeks here I am still in the newness, first blush of a place I plan to live for a long time to come. I am excited, exploring like a little worm investigating the interior of a ripe apple. What layers does this city hold for me? What opportunities can our family glean from this place? What can we bring here? These questions lie on the surface of this overwhelming sensation of, I am home! I don’t have to move again!

I have chosen to have a place and community I call my own regardless of where it is. I have lived many places in my life, mostly in the Northern states. I grew up in New Haven Connecticut. As a young adult I lived mostly in the Northwest with a lot of travel to Europe and South America. Most recently I moved from Austin Texas.  My new home is buried deep in the Mid-South in a red state, so be it. I say screw moving for a job, screw the idea of moving to the over inflated markets of hip, liberal, coastal cities and living dirt poor under the confines of cool. Screw all that, I am moving to Tulsa. And Ha! in my face, it is hip here. Tulsa does have a thriving alternative scene complete with artists, climate change activists, hippie farmers, entrepreneurial young couples and pug lovers. Not as many radicals as in the Northwest but still choosing to live here. Making this place work from an alternative vantage point.

What I feel I chose is simplicity, a life based on connection to loved ones, a do-able place where I don't have to live on the edge and can write from the fringe. A place we can afford to live in and be able to buy tickets to visit the people we love in those above-mentioned hip, liberal, coastal cities. It is a relieving feeling having a place called home. My cancer crab nature has been looking for roots my whole adult life. I love the sense of time I feel in getting to know this place. There is no urgency to get to know everything right away. I can move at a tortoise pace and watch the flowers of opportunity unfurl before me.

I am living the life of an autodidact, playing with my 3 1/2 year old companion, checking out library's, museums, parks and cozying into communal living with my in laws as we make way for the huge adventure of becoming first time home buyers. 

Something about getting older has made me feel more grounded in the person I am, not striving anymore to be something greater, or in a particular culture that I have to fit into. And gosh, people are so friendly and humble here. I am really enjoying the laid back attitude of this place. I am home for now and it feels so good.