I thought up this title the other
day on a car ride to go pick up my daughter from pre-school. The reality of it is
I am a novice at this and feel in the middle of a learning curve. In the short
amount of years I have taken on these identities I have figured some stuff out
I would like to share. I am writing this as much for myself to be a reminder of
the important things as for you dear reader. I used the word wife because it
makes me cringe every time so I feel it’s important to address that as well. All
you other mothers/folks in life long partnerships if you have any thoughts
around this topic please share in the comments.
1. Communicate
Partners are not mind readers.
Sometimes I wish they were. I find the second there is icky energy between daddy
and I, if I address it, it goes away. No grudges, no hard feelings, just good
solid truth telling. Sometimes this is really hard especially if it’s something
vulnerable, which it often is, but if I get over that heart racing feeling and
tell him what I really think, I always feel better. We both do.
2. Listen to your heart
My mind can go all over the place,
rationalizing hurts, dwelling in feelings and minute details, trailing into
uncertainty but if I listen to my mind through my heart I often know what’s best
and follow the pumping organs advise. It might not always be the easiest answer
but it is the most authentic and then I know I am being myself.
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| By Allison Paige |
3. Have really close people in your
life that are not your partner or kids
There is so much pressure to have
your partner and family fulfill your every need for closeness. In most
relationships these are the easiest folks to fall back on. I find that most
folks I know need more then that. When you know you will get really good
connection from a dear friend the pressure is off your partner to disappoint
when they don't want to do the same things as you. When you have some folks to
hang with that are not your family life seems bigger and having the option to
miss your loved ones and look forward to coming back to there loving embraces
is a good sensation as opposed to always having to be there.
4. Hold onto dreams no matter how
impossible they seem.
This is really important in
maintaining the being your self part of being in a family. My dreams don't have
the instant gratification they used to have in my early 20s. My dreams require
timelines and negotiation; they require compromise and fitting into windows of
time that never quiet feel like enough. But they are still my dreams and live
vividly in my head. My partner gives me the focus of time and how long I have
to achieve all that I want, so I keep the long range plan in mind and find ways
to fulfill some of my dreams while being in the present. Keeping my dreams
alive in my head helps be remember I still have all that beautiful, creative
energy in me and one day I will do it all.
5. Let go of the little things and
remember the bigger picture every day
All the little S#*@t that bugs me
each day has got to go. Some of it is worth communicating and following my heart
about but if I let the mounds of little irritating things pile up it ruins my
outlook and keeps me away from being my authentic self. We all have habits that
piss each other off. Lets live with the feelings, then kick them out and move
on. Some days this is easier then others so I try to wipe the slate clean at
night, I sleep better because of this.
6. Have practices and rituals that
are just yours that you attend to every week.
Often if the ritual involves
exercise I get the added bonus of feeling all the endorphins from movement.
Even if this means spending 5 min. reading a paragraph from a book I love it
really makes all the difference. It is all about checking in with myself,
setting it up that my needs are just as important as the folks I care for and
cohabitant with.
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| By Lotte Laserstein |
7. Find a way to laugh and or feel
delight every day/week.
This might just happen
spontaneously, it does in my life and it’s easy to not notice it when I feel
down. If I make an intention of feeling delight and laughter I seek out the
experiences that bring it. This often involves noticing cool things about
Sweetpea, playing silly games, singing, being outdoors, watching funny
movies, planning out an adventure.
8. Have a freakin' date with your
partner where you don't talk about parenting, finances, the future or any topic
other then the pure delight of the present or sharing happy stories from the
past.
Daddy and I have had dates where we
end up in a tailspin about the future or we spend so much time talking about
Sweetpea we don't feel like we left her at all. I have had to be intentional in
this area. Thinking about what I can talk about that will just inspire us, save
the heavy conversations for specified times not date night. Sweetpea can be a
source of delight to talk about but sometimes its good to just leave behind the
parenting role for a few hours and just focus on each other not as parents.
9. Kiss and hug your children and
partner often, look for ways to cuddle and be physically close when you are
together. Being close
melts away the bad feelings, being close is one of the most human things we can
do, it builds intimacy, reminds me why I chose to live in a partnership and
brings a sense of wholeness to the grand scheme of life. Being close always
brings smiles to my face and the faces of my loved ones.
10. Recognize the inequality
inherent in relationships, roles and being a part of a family but don't dwell
there, seek ways to change these things and also come to places of peace with
the good, the bad and the serendipitous parts of choosing this life.
