Venezia: Perspectives On The City Of Canals

And now for a little travel post, a summer read for your pleasure:

Oh Venice, Venezia, the beautiful city, poetry in boat and bridge form. There sits the indy young female traveler. She unbuttons her leather gloves preparing to nibble a Margherita pizza at a tiny cafe on the harbor overlooking an ancient basilica, drinking in the ambiance. A Venetian woman hardened to the charms of this touristic wonderland. She holds still, eyes glazed on the water boat metro (Vaporetto) as swarms of people scrunch past her with the ever-present inflection of "Permesso, Permesso," (excuse me.) The small child, buttoned up in a wool coat and matching hat, heels clicking across a cobblestone square. She only knows life within the confines of narrow alleyways, piazzas with only one tree planted in the middle. The withered leaves holding all the oxygen of the appartamento’s lining the square built in the 14th century surrounding the Jewish ghetto.

This city, where people breath deep and long sharing the same cluttered archways with pedestrians, boats, scooters and bicycles. Where the same stories are retold on Latin tongues buried deep in cappuccinos at restaurants where recipes are passed down through each generation. A city where the modern artists mimic old ideas retold from the floors of Cathedrals transforming to canvas in techno colors in a galleria stinking of formaldehyde or sewage. A smell that is the base layer of Vencie, stinky, fanciful, man made and imagined. The very wealthy living in a bubble of comfort. The very local living down secret alleyways never touched by the tourist track.

Mist comes in soft puffs down the grand canal, leaving a tiny veil on the fine china cups used to sip espresso in the morning. A cloud of moisture over the calloused hands of the rope tiers who bring the vaporetto to a stop for loading and unloading. The same damp that musses the feathers of pigeons ready to dance in the puddles of Piazza Saint Marco. This veil that captures the mystery of this thoroughly man-made city.

How perfect that glass blowing is the chosen art form of this place. What a delicate and strong art form for a city steeped in fantasy and hard labor.  

From 20's to 30's

Lately I have been thinking a lot about what it was like being in my 20's. Most of these thoughts turn to nostalgia. I think about being care free and untethered. I remember what it was like to pick up and go and find myself in all kinds of excellent adventures. Free spirit was the name they attached to my life style. I tend to marvel at the audacity of my younger self. Life was really cut open at that point and I intended to experience it all. Lots of lovers, travels, activism, jobs and experiences. The 20's mullet mom always said yes to random occurrence and often spent time in new and unusual ways. She would call people out on the bus for negatively catching her attention. She would spend dark nights at cafes writing then walk the 5 miles home after missing the late bus. She rode her bike in the rain and picked up odd jobs, mostly playing with kids, then would save enough to travel and go on escapades all over the world.

I sometimes miss that whimsy and envy that freedom and then I remember the not so rosy side of being in my 20's. A good show to watch as a reminder of the hardship of being in your 20's is HBO’s "Girls." Lena Dunham does an excellent job portraying her generation’s age and the time that happens for some folks post college entering the adult world. Mostly she shows how awkward it is to discover oneself. All the insecurity and pain experienced in this age of trying to find connection and home. Dunham shows all the insecurity in her main characters as they go through gross sexual experiences, labor oppression, striving for dreams and falling flat, trying new things and being put in painful and awkward situations.

Not feeling like you have people or a home is a really challenging experience. In my 20's I went from house to house. I had high hopes for a career then had to look through the realistic lens of making money. I had to fake so much experience to try and fit into an adult standard of how to act in order to get a job. That sense of freedom came with the price of an intense un-rootedness. I definitely had people close to me at that time, very close considering I moved so much but still felt that sense of isolation and needing to figure it all out with little help. At the same time I cherish what I did in my 20's and am so proud of that younger me who tried so many things and was this punk rock queer radical who didn't let oppression get her down and also I am glad to be done with that time.

From Mylifescoop.com

In my 30's I am still considered a free spirit but it looks different now. I live my life in connection with a family that nourishes my soul. I have found ways of being safe and taking care of myself while still pushing the envelope. I live a little less on the edge and am benefiting from it. I know myself more and what I am about. I know there are surprises yet to be discovered in my future but now I know I have that safety net to return to at the end of it. I still consider myself a punk rock queer. I still shrink at most things adult, like investments, making lots of money and status through objects. I am coming into my own with the balance of being ok with embracing some securities of the adult world and at the same time living it on my own terms. Part of this is moving to Tulsa, the happy medium of my adult life. I don't know if we will be here forever but I do know I will be here long enough to have Sweetpea be a teen and grow a fruit tree to fruition.  I will see what life dishes out in the coming years. I turn 33 this June, my lucky number.

A Tale Of Dry Nights

No one told me going into this parenting thing that my daughter would still be struggling with having dry nights at 3 1/2 years old. We mastered dry days by 2 1/2. Dry nights have been a different story. On her 3rd birthday her dad and her decided there was no need for diapers at night. So we did it. We took the plunge and tried having her go without diapers completely, trusting she would let us know if she needed to go.

6 months later and I think now we are just getting the hang of it, knock on wood. This could be the biggest jinx post I have ever written. Sweetpea is consistently having every night dry for the past 3 weeks. We have tried everything. We have consulted all the parents we have known, we read all the books about it and talked to a doctor. Everyone told us this was normal. I wondered why I had never heard of it before. Years of being a nanny and I never noticed how long it took to get the night diapers out of the picture.

The thing is Sweetpea is a deep sleeper and we nursed to sleep when she was young. She really wants a drink before bed, after nursing we switched to a bottle of milk before bed, then water. She associated going to bed with drinking beverage.  I personally need to get up in the night if I consume tea before bed, I get it, your bladder can only hold so much. So she needed to go. At first it was only sometimes she would wet the bed, then it was every other night for months. It would seem like we were on an up curve, 2 weeks here and there then she would plummet back down to every two nights. Meanwhile I was doing a ton of laundry.

I had friends who said it was completely normal to have kids up to 5 years old in pull-ups. We were actually the only people in our friend circle who were even trying at 3 years old to take away night diapers. They all agreed they were too young at this age to be able to hold it all night long. It could be this was true. Though we had another friend I didn't see often who's son stopped having any accidents at 2 1/2. They just stopped putting diapers on him and he was done, end of story.

Daddy was fierce about sticking to our guns, rarely is he fierce about any parenting issue so I decided to side with him, as the laundry continued piling up. And I, being home more, was doing more of it I decided we needed a big change.

First we made a rule, no more liquid before bed. This was a struggle.  We got it down to two sips of water after she brushed teeth, which seemed to work as a compromise.

Second, I started a sticker chart. Just in case wetting the bed might be psychological I thought some incentive might help. Every dry night she got a sticker, two in a row she got a little plastic gem, 3 dry nights got a candy and 7 dry nights got a trip to Chuck E Cheese. I never thought of myself as a parent that might have this kind of reward system, but I was feeling desperate and if I have learned anything from parenting, you got to try all manner of ways of doing things and see which one works. She seemed to like all the rewards but it never added up to having dry nights on a consistent basis.

Lastly, we woke her up to pee a few hours after she goes to sleep. Friends had told us they woke there kid up in the middle of the night to pee, this seemed to daunting for us, so we stuck to 2 hours after she went to sleep, typically right before we went to bed. This worked for a while, and then it started being a struggle. If we didn't get her up right at 2 hours she would pee the bed, also she would fight us to get up and go, after tons of screaming and crying, plus 15 minutes to get her back down and calm, I could see that this strategy was not working.

This is when I decided to research the affects of reintroducing pull-up diapers after 6 months of none. Daddy really fought me on this, he was sure it would break her confidence and he felt she was just on her way to learning. He had more patience and less laundry doing then I. I found parenting forums all about this subject. I especially loved this one California moms list serv that had all kinds of opinions but seemed to all go with trust your gut and don't worry about harmful long term affects.

With all this research and strategy under my belt I just decided to go for it. We went to Target and grabbed a pair of 4t-5t pull-ups with flowers. I explained to Sweetpea these were only temporary, that would help her to remember to wake up and pee in the potty. She went along with it. Her dad was not happy but after my research was willing to try. And the thing is they worked!

Miracle of miracles, once she felt that squishy, diapery, plastic texture between her legs she was not happy. She didn't want to wear them. I set the rule that once she could go a full 3 days with them on and stay dry she did not need to wear them anymore. The next week we went on a trip. The struggle to put them on at night intensified, so after having her pee right before bed, I would put her to sleep. I would then sneak in an hour later and put a pull up on her. She was so deep asleep she did not wake up. Some magic made it so she did not pee the bed or the pull-up the whole 5-day trip.

When we got back home she reverted back a little and then started getting mad that she woke up with a pull up on. She told us not to put them on her at all. We listened, one night I just had her pee before bed. Then a few hours later I went to bed, no secret pull-ups, no waking her up to pee. When we woke up that morning she had a dry night! Going back to pull ups actually worked for us!

As I look back at all we did I am thinking, geez, parents are super heroes. We will do anything to make life run smoothly, we have to be always thinking, always strategizing, always being hopeful for a change of events. What a creative and intense job!

Now, 3 weeks later she has consistently had dry nights. Maybe our friends were right, maybe her body was finally old enough to wait it out through the night. I still go into her room and ask if she wants to try 2 hours after she goes to sleep. She always turns me down. We shall see what the next manifestation of this is. Now I know I am ready to take on the challenge.

Spring Crush

The spring is my favorite season, the open possibility, the re-generation of life spelled out in millions of plants and trees. It is the season of green, deep, passionate green. Spring is for romantics, something I have always been. The sensuality of spring holds some of my favorite memories. I have lived through many springs in all parts of the beautiful United States. I want to take a moment to examine the spring of Oklahoma and how it looks up against the backdrop of growing up in Connecticut, my northwest home and plant education and my more recent central Texas life. I am sentimental this time of year for all the places I have lived and miss elements of the spring in each place. 

In Connecticut it was all about the crocus. The elusive lady friend peeking up in grassy patches marking the end of the freezes. The ones with purple and white stripes were my favorites. I love their little pointy striped leaves and the sweet surprise of happening upon them in bunches across wet tracks of city parks. The cherry blossoms lining Wooster square were another New Haven favorite. As a teenager I walked through the park with a camera in hand taking pictures of friends covered in petals laughing with flowers in our hair as we witnessed the beauty of a hundred pink and white blooming trees.  

In the Northwest this season was marked with love, the ending of the dreary season and the possibility of warmth, shedding the under layers and being awe struck underneath blooming plum trees. This was the season of pretending you are not cold when you leave your jacket at home on a hopeful sunny afternoon turned stormy evening. Then waiting at a bus stop stomping your feet to stay warm and shivering through spring! The season of flirty smiles, longer evenings and enchanted bike rides. My friends and I always seemed to go on more dates in the Spring. It was time to start noticing people after the long, wet winter. Clumps of violets bloomed under oak trees and trillium would pop up under cedars as delicate and magical as a fairy. I traveled north to the Skagit valley to immerse in the color of the tulip fields. Thousands of varieties maybe only ever seen before in Holland to the back drop of huge, blue mountains and deep white clouds. I never had as much love for a cultivated plant as when I saw the brilliance of a field of red tulips. 

 In Texas spring is wild flower season, I think it may be the prettiest spring I have ever experienced. The weather warms up to sundress standards and there you are experiencing sunshine and a million varieties of wild plants. Fields of flowers grow on the side of the highways; purple, orange and deep black cones dot every field and lot. The trees come back in full force and electric green blankets the earth. And blue bonnets, blue bonnets, and blue bonnets! Warm and happy you skip around to all the various out door music experiences Austin has to offer. We always took portraits of our family in the flowers. Is there anything so primal as a wild flower? I am convinced the essence of passionate nature lies in the throat of crimson clover. In our yard after a good rain the rain lilies would peek up their heads. A sister to trillium in the northwest these plants are like congratulations for making it through a flash flood, a little white angel of hope in our yard.

In Tulsa it is all about the azaleas. It seems every one here thought it was a marvelous idea to plant this bush in their yard the cumulative affect is the most radiant extreme hedges of color everywhere you look for at least a month. You get so much return with these bushes I am surprised I have not noticed them before living in Tulsa. The bush is filled with blossoms in the colors of white, fuchsia, baby pink, orange, deep red and yellow.  They are like the little sisters of rhododendron, all show and punch. Another plant this town does well is dogwood trees. I have never truly appreciated the dogwood tree till moving here. The elegance of this tree is regal. It comes in white or pink and the underside makes the most perfect cookie cutter shape. The majestic red bud of this region is also a local favorite. Tiny pink blossoms grow up the trunks and branches of the tree and bring a sweet dark pink beginning to the season.

Spring is in my lungs from all the pollen, my back from all the yard work and my heart from all the love of the cultivated and wild plants of this land.

How to be yourself be a mom and be a wife

I thought up this title the other day on a car ride to go pick up my daughter from pre-school. The reality of it is I am a novice at this and feel in the middle of a learning curve. In the short amount of years I have taken on these identities I have figured some stuff out I would like to share. I am writing this as much for myself to be a reminder of the important things as for you dear reader. I used the word wife because it makes me cringe every time so I feel it’s important to address that as well. All you other mothers/folks in life long partnerships if you have any thoughts around this topic please share in the comments. 

1. Communicate

Partners are not mind readers. Sometimes I wish they were. I find the second there is icky energy between daddy and I, if I address it, it goes away. No grudges, no hard feelings, just good solid truth telling. Sometimes this is really hard especially if it’s something vulnerable, which it often is, but if I get over that heart racing feeling and tell him what I really think, I always feel better. We both do.

2. Listen to your heart

My mind can go all over the place, rationalizing hurts, dwelling in feelings and minute details, trailing into uncertainty but if I listen to my mind through my heart I often know what’s best and follow the pumping organs advise. It might not always be the easiest answer but it is the most authentic and then I know I am being myself.

By Allison Paige

3. Have really close people in your life that are not your partner or kids

There is so much pressure to have your partner and family fulfill your every need for closeness. In most relationships these are the easiest folks to fall back on. I find that most folks I know need more then that. When you know you will get really good connection from a dear friend the pressure is off your partner to disappoint when they don't want to do the same things as you. When you have some folks to hang with that are not your family life seems bigger and having the option to miss your loved ones and look forward to coming back to there loving embraces is a good sensation as opposed to always having to be there.

4. Hold onto dreams no matter how impossible they seem. 

This is really important in maintaining the being your self part of being in a family. My dreams don't have the instant gratification they used to have in my early 20s. My dreams require timelines and negotiation; they require compromise and fitting into windows of time that never quiet feel like enough. But they are still my dreams and live vividly in my head. My partner gives me the focus of time and how long I have to achieve all that I want, so I keep the long range plan in mind and find ways to fulfill some of my dreams while being in the present. Keeping my dreams alive in my head helps be remember I still have all that beautiful, creative energy in me and one day I will do it all.

 5. Let go of the little things and remember the bigger picture every day

All the little S#*@t that bugs me each day has got to go. Some of it is worth communicating and following my heart about but if I let the mounds of little irritating things pile up it ruins my outlook and keeps me away from being my authentic self. We all have habits that piss each other off. Lets live with the feelings, then kick them out and move on. Some days this is easier then others so I try to wipe the slate clean at night, I sleep better because of this.

6. Have practices and rituals that are just yours that you attend to every week. 

Often if the ritual involves exercise I get the added bonus of feeling all the endorphins from movement. Even if this means spending 5 min. reading a paragraph from a book I love it really makes all the difference. It is all about checking in with myself, setting it up that my needs are just as important as the folks I care for and cohabitant with.

By Lotte Laserstein

7. Find a way to laugh and or feel delight every day/week.

This might just happen spontaneously, it does in my life and it’s easy to not notice it when I feel down. If I make an intention of feeling delight and laughter I seek out the experiences that bring it. This often involves noticing cool things about Sweetpea, playing silly games, singing, being outdoors, watching funny movies, planning out an adventure.

8. Have a freakin' date with your partner where you don't talk about parenting, finances, the future or any topic other then the pure delight of the present or sharing happy stories from the past.

Daddy and I have had dates where we end up in a tailspin about the future or we spend so much time talking about Sweetpea we don't feel like we left her at all. I have had to be intentional in this area. Thinking about what I can talk about that will just inspire us, save the heavy conversations for specified times not date night. Sweetpea can be a source of delight to talk about but sometimes its good to just leave behind the parenting role for a few hours and just focus on each other not as parents.

9. Kiss and hug your children and partner often, look for ways to cuddle and be physically close when you are together. Being close melts away the bad feelings, being close is one of the most human things we can do, it builds intimacy, reminds me why I chose to live in a partnership and brings a sense of wholeness to the grand scheme of life. Being close always brings smiles to my face and the faces of my loved ones.

10. Recognize the inequality inherent in relationships, roles and being a part of a family but don't dwell there, seek ways to change these things and also come to places of peace with the good, the bad and the serendipitous parts of choosing this life.

Radically Choosing The Un-Hip Home

In all my wildest imaginings of where I would find home I did not expect it to be Tulsa Oklahoma. After two weeks here I am still in the newness, first blush of a place I plan to live for a long time to come. I am excited, exploring like a little worm investigating the interior of a ripe apple. What layers does this city hold for me? What opportunities can our family glean from this place? What can we bring here? These questions lie on the surface of this overwhelming sensation of, I am home! I don’t have to move again!

I have chosen to have a place and community I call my own regardless of where it is. I have lived many places in my life, mostly in the Northern states. I grew up in New Haven Connecticut. As a young adult I lived mostly in the Northwest with a lot of travel to Europe and South America. Most recently I moved from Austin Texas.  My new home is buried deep in the Mid-South in a red state, so be it. I say screw moving for a job, screw the idea of moving to the over inflated markets of hip, liberal, coastal cities and living dirt poor under the confines of cool. Screw all that, I am moving to Tulsa. And Ha! in my face, it is hip here. Tulsa does have a thriving alternative scene complete with artists, climate change activists, hippie farmers, entrepreneurial young couples and pug lovers. Not as many radicals as in the Northwest but still choosing to live here. Making this place work from an alternative vantage point.

What I feel I chose is simplicity, a life based on connection to loved ones, a do-able place where I don't have to live on the edge and can write from the fringe. A place we can afford to live in and be able to buy tickets to visit the people we love in those above-mentioned hip, liberal, coastal cities. It is a relieving feeling having a place called home. My cancer crab nature has been looking for roots my whole adult life. I love the sense of time I feel in getting to know this place. There is no urgency to get to know everything right away. I can move at a tortoise pace and watch the flowers of opportunity unfurl before me.

I am living the life of an autodidact, playing with my 3 1/2 year old companion, checking out library's, museums, parks and cozying into communal living with my in laws as we make way for the huge adventure of becoming first time home buyers. 

Something about getting older has made me feel more grounded in the person I am, not striving anymore to be something greater, or in a particular culture that I have to fit into. And gosh, people are so friendly and humble here. I am really enjoying the laid back attitude of this place. I am home for now and it feels so good.

Tulsa, Where The Wind Comes Blowing Down The Plain

Hi Yip! we made it. A week of full force, months of preparations, a complete cleanse right before the journey and now a settling into our new home of Tulsa OK. After two days it has not sunk in yet. This is where we are going to live. This is the place we chose to be our own. This is the place the pros and cons list showed to many pros to ignore.

Partly why I don't feel settled is because our first home here is the place we have been visiting for years. Being at my in laws house is like being in my vacation home. Its both pleasing and disconcerting, I feel safe and welcomed in and at the same time antsy to shape this new place as my own. Our plan is to live here for a few months then buy our own house. I am choosing to take this all one day at a time. We have unloaded boxes and organized clothes, Daddy starts work on Monday, These first steps are making this place feel more like home. An icy snow storm hit today and hardy Okies barely batted an eyelash. The cafe we went to was crammed with people per any typical Sunday morning. My wimpy Northwest/Texas winter self has to get re-accustomed to living in ice and snow. The storm should melt in a few days, in time for the first hints of spring to appear.

Sweetpea and I will be exploring this town via foot, pedal and public transport, getting to know our new local library, fun parks to play at and freeish family activities. The Pea starts preschool two days a week on Tuesday. This will be her first real preschool experience. Up until now she went to a small country day care and an in home care with just two other kids. I am excited for her to have this experience, preschool was one of my happiest childhood memories. I loved playing three little pigs under chairs with other kids, singing songs and doing circle clapping games. I also loved my teacher. I hope Sweetpea warms to it in a similar fashion.

While she is at school mama will be preparing for my big art exhibition. I got into the New Genre's Art festival and will be showing my installation "Sweetpea's Gestation" for the month of April in a gallery down town. I will also be looking for more teaching artist work and grounding as an artist in our new home. As my friend Gill said, "You will be big fish in a small pond." This feels just about right for now.

This has all come together on a leap of faith, believing everything would happen in due course, gathering the support we needed to make it work and acting on what we think will be best for our family. So now we join in the love of a new community. So mote it be.