For The Love, A Birthers Tale

I have been thinking about the love I experience as a parent for my child. I spend a lot of time on this blog dissecting the identity of being a parent, sharing my trials and adventures. Sometimes I forget to share just how wonderful it is to be a parent to a little one.

I feel so blessed that I get to be with Sweetpea. The second she opened her voice to me with the most adoring squeal I thought, my God, this is my little person. This is her voice! My heart was filled with a warm overflowing cup of love that washes down my back every time I think of it.

Painting by Lenny Dinar Dothan

I knew I was going to have Sweetpea. She decided when, but I knew. The ocean told me. (Forewarning, wooo moment.) I was at The Earth Activist Training and we had one afternoon off. At the training we were learning permaculture. We were doing earth magic and learning how to interpret birds and track animals. We were also designing sustainable buildings and doing water rituals. It was a beautiful and unique training that left me on that day off in a little bit of an ethereal mood and a calm open place. 

I had just walked through a grove of redwoods with some friends. We decided to head for the coast for some ocean gazing. The California coast is inconceivably beautiful. Particularly the Northern California coast is very dreamlike. I love the all encompassing rambunctiousness and power of the ocean. I also marvel at how it is always lapping at our coast line, water is always moving, putting on its majestic show weather we are watching or not. The ocean was wild that day. There were huge swells of waves battering the beach and sucking up whatever got in the way.  I stood right at the edge of the white foam staring into the abyss. The waves were thumping me like a drum. I unfocused my eyes and my mind and stared right into a wall of towering water. A voice within me said, you will have a baby. She will be a girl. You are going to be a mom. When I opened my eyes again one of the huge waves clapped and gobbled up my exposed legs in its wake. I was dripping with salt water, I laughed and cried. I knew the ocean was right. It was so perfect.

2 1/2 years later I was in a hospital in Tacoma Washington fighting with all my might to bring this baby into the world. My fight was long and good and bittersweet. Sweetpea and I were ready for the fight. She still fights in a similar way when she is upset. She presses her body into mine struggling to wriggle free. She cries and wants me to hold her tight while she squirms. I love being able to see her struggle and come out the winner! The fight for life is an amazing struggle. It is something I felt I missed out on. In my birth story my mother had a planned cesarean. The doctor did not think she would be able to have me the natural way because both my brothers were also cesarean. There are a lot of enforcers in society to make it hard for me to fight, being raised female, the only girl and the youngest of two older brothers, just to name a few. This first fight I missed out on though is something I knew I wanted to be different for my kid. It was different. In the end I also had to have a cesarean. After a long hard battle Sweetpea needed the extra nudge to get out. She got stuck and her heart rate went way down. I see this as a metaphor for me in parenting her. When she gets stuck she will need helpers to guide her into the direction that is flowing. Fortunately, as an adult I have set up a community of folks to help me with this as well.

Now, 2 years later I have my amazing toddler to explore with. I have a kid that challenges and enlightens me daily. I have this person in my life forever. I like forever.

A little song I learned and sang for my sweetpea just after she was born rings in my ears. It is the song our family sings at each death and each birth in our lives.

"When you were born you cried
  and the world rejoiced
  live your life so
  that when you die
  The world cries and you rejoice"