The Life And Death Of A Friend

Recently, a good friend of mine died. She was a mother of two, a fierce and insightful being that decided to take her own life. Two weeks after the horror and shock of this event I have been left in a pondering stage of grief.  Thinking about what all she lost by leaving us to soon and what I still have to learn about her. I also think about odd things like what she is missing by not having a body on this earth any longer. How she doesn't have to deal with this crazy world we live in anymore. The two mass shootings in the US this week, who to vote for president next year, what exactly climate change will do to us in Tulsa. All those intense and complicated things she does not have to deal with any longer.

She created a ripple in our community. I would not call her a community leader, but deeply embedded in the alternative circles we both tended to hang out in. She was an artist and a healer and shared her talents with us through tarot readings, massage, kundalini yoga and sexual awareness workshops for women. She thought it was a tragedy that there were some women that had never experienced an orgasm and wanted to help all women claim this magical right.

Our relationship was separate from any circle. We did not meet through friends, it was at an art opening where we recognized that spark of commonality. Our kids became fast friends and that made us get closer. We bonded over living in the NW and being transplants to the mid-south. we shared hippi alternative view points. Our values were aligned in connecting ourselves and our kids to nature, eating fermented foods, making art and living a life in the counter culture.

At her memorial they had on display some of her things. In the eulogy our minister spoke of her being an avid collector. Having real style and sensuality. One of her friends was quoted with saying "It was like being with an angel who got kicked out of heaven for making a lewd joke." That was her in all her glory.

I also wonder what I could have done to prevent this from happening. I know it was not in my hands but I do think of the ways I was passive about her addiction issues. How I waited for her to come to me instead of being an active helper. How I watched her family go through transition after transition and felt paralyzed to help them. I saw her get more in debt and feel helpless in her situation. Held captive by the restrains of capitalism, being a parent and a free spirit.

By Jenny Armitage

At her eulogy I learned so much about her history I never knew. There are still many mysteries that now will only be brought to light with the stories of the ones who knew her. This experience has made me value all the parts of my story and how I don't want to wait till I am dead for people to know who I really am.

We are left with holding onto her family, her loved ones she left behind. Her daughter and son have to have a community of mothers and I am now one of them. I will continue to learn her story and not let her life fade into the past.

Tales of The Part Time Working Mom

This seems like the ideal set up. In a lot of ways it is. Part time working moms get the best of both worlds. We get a fist full of life outside the home and a baby and kid to coo over all afternoon when work is finished. We can wipe clean our workday and see our kids with fresh eyes and perspective as they enter into the wider world beyond our home cocoon. 

More income is coming into the household, not a lot of income in my case but something to help with the daily round. My kids get to see me more then they would if I worked full time. I actually miss them in a day verses being so overloaded with parenting I am ready to ditch as soon as my co-parent arrives home.  I have time to pick them up from school or day care, hear about the day and go home to some play, dinner prep, down time and nursing. I get to role model for my girls a confident mama in the world taking on big projects with her family alongside her. Recently Sweetpea told me she wanted to work at the Botanic garden when she grew up. I have a reason to get dressed up in the morning, wash my nice clothes and throw a huge spit rag over it all in hopes I won't be blurped on before I get to work.

Our minds are filled with the details of our jobs as well as the details that make the engine of a family running steady. My partner shares the parenting load more. Home life and work life are split up and we both play an integral role in each place. A level of respect and harmony floats around us when I have a moment to notice it. 

I have others looking after my young ones who love, respect and care for them. I use the mantra it takes a village to raise a child and trust my babies are taken care of and its good for them to experience life and culture with more then just me and daddy. There is energy in the part time working mamas home. An energy of accomplishment, being present and a little bit of chaos. Two non-profit jobs cannot hire a cleaning person so we settle for a bit of dirt and clutter that gets scurried away when we have a party or friends over for dinner. 

Part time work has a lot of pros but like most life choices it is also not as dreamy as it seems.  The part time worker is not paid as well. We get no benefits except the benefit of more time with our family. We forgo a lot of self-time for work time. Creativity is an after thought that lives burning in my heart and only get touched upon occasionally. As a women and mother I often put the needs of my family or job first and suffer from not being authentic to the creative well within. Exercise only sometimes happens and usually involves taking an unwilling kid along. As a part time worker my experience is so unique. So many other part time workers have such a varied experience. Some work from home, or have to take the office with them everywhere. Some are on call, some have their own business. It’s a hard way to relate to others experience when the experience can look so vastly different. We are all united on having kids and making some money at the work we do but the similarities often stop there.

 There is no handy acronym for the part time working mom, not SAHM or working mom, you are kind of a hybrid. Finding good, affordable childcare that caters to working parents as well as SAHM is rough too. Full time day cares are too expensive and not what I want but part time day cares like mothers day out only sort of work and are full of SAHM so you feel a little isolated as a worker in their midst. 

Going from SAHM to working mom was a huge shift as well. I constantly compare my experience with my first to my second and try to measure up to what I did the first time around. I cannot be there for everything with Little Pickle and it is heart breaking. At the same time it is relieving to have more income and knowing she is being well taken care of by others so I can also do important work in the world.

As a part time working mom you feel the urge and pressure to do everything a SAHM does but half the time to do it. You want to take on the PTA and volunteer projects at the school, you want to make muffins and have long kid directed play times after school. You have the expectation that you can get all the housework done and dinner ready every evening. But there is just not enough time for it all. So it happens in chunks. Chunks of self-care used for writing dates and calling up dear friends to talk. Going to interesting events around town. Time to snuggle up with your husband and watch a show in the 2 hours between when the kids fall asleep and when it’s your time to turn in. Chunks of time and patience are key to well being. 

I salute you fellow PTWM! You are kicking butt on so many levels, now stop and give your self a much needed bath and book date.          

Working Mama

Last Friday I put my baby into the loving arms of her Cece and pulled away from the parking lot crying my eyes out. I am now officially a working mama again. I spent all week prepping for the day. Having stress dreams. Trying to pump everyday, buying that just in case can of formula, and generally worrying about missing my little one, leaving her when she is so young, the guilt, etc. etc. So yes there were a lot of tears and fears but Little Pickle ultimately was fine. She was with grandma all day and grandma did beautifully. Filling me in with reports about feeding and pooping and smiling awake time.

I dutifully pumped my milk with two breaks in an 8-hour period. Though I was only able to pump 12 ounces at the end of the day. Sense I was not sure how much she would eat when I was away I felt like a failure. The added guilt of being a mom of two and comparing how I did it with the first did not help. I went back to work when Sweetpea was 2 ½ and breast-fed her till then. Though it was great being able to be full time with Sweetpea as a baby it was also super hard on our family. We were barely making it and stressed often about how we would be able to live on one income. I vowed to do things differently with our second child and I also already had this great job going into pregnancy this time around.

The milk production was also fine. I came home and had several bags of milk still in the fridge. 12 ounces is about what she eats when she is away from me. Success!!

By Alison Bechdel

 Day two was easier. She was home with daddy, I knew she would have enough milk it was ok. I still cried when I left her but I was not pining for my baby the way I felt the first day. It was kind of nice to miss her and be so excited to see her at the end of the day. When I got home I rubbed her soft elbows and knees, I smelled her head and breast-fed her. I strapped her on and had a dance party with Sweetpea while daddy went and had some self-time. I bought easy food to make for dinner those two days so there would be no resentments about dinner being made. I also ate a protein bar and chugged water on the way home to make sure I was in a good and ready place upon arrival.

By Jenn Borton

Work was busy and easy to take over my mind. When it got slow later in the day I kept my eye on the prize, I am making money so my family can live, so we can not get into anymore debt so we can pay the bills, get groceries and car gas. This made me happy to know I can provide for them. It is also good for me to be a part of something out side the home. To tend to my creative mind in programming at the garden, to go for quiet walks on the property, to be the PR face of a place I believe in and get to make people excited about. My work is not always glamorous, it does not pay amazingly well, sometimes its really annoying answering the same questions over and over but it still meets a creative need within me and is also ever changing making me more inventive and flexible.

I staggered going back to work 15 hours in August then 30 onward. We are on the cusp of having all of Little Pickles childcare worked out for fall, which leads me to feeling more grounded about it. There is an ocean of change occurring within our home but we are good at change, we are an adaptable family. Before she was born I saw Little Pickle weaving her way smoothly into our family culture. I read about early sleep teaching and had a plan to be more relaxed with this one. Our Little Pickle has done exceedingly well working by our side. She knows where she belongs and I am so thankful for this.

To V-bac or Not to V-bac

I am 3 1/2 weeks out from my due date. I have grown progressively bigger and bigger reaching epic proportions, my belly hangs low, I am feeling some of the tired and queasy feelings from the first tri-master creep in as I wait for the baby to come. I am perfectly happy to have this baby do a full gestation, there is still more to do like cleaning, hospital bag, food calendar, car seat installation but it would also be fine if baby came tomorrow. I would be prepared either way. I am a seasoned mom I know what to expect in the beginning and just how hard it all is. Its nice doing this the second time around, less fear of the un-known, more confidence a plan laid out before me that I know could change at any time.

I used to think I was an intuitive person. I seemed to have a somewhat psychic sense of when things were going to happen, an inner dial attuned to the subtleties of the future and what lay ahead. All of this went out the window when I had Sweetpea. Leading up to her due date and the 2 weeks she gestated past her due date I thought, "Today is the day I will birth my child. It will happen like this, this is the way." I got in the birthy zone, I had lots of contractions but the contractions would always die down and peter out. Nothing was like I thought it would be. The whole birth was a tale, which I have told earlier in this blog, complete with a hospital induction (cytotec), many hours of painful active labor and finally a 15 min. rush to surgery during transition.

My cesarean was probably the best cesarean one could have. It was sad to have to do it but it all went really smoothly. I was with a nurse I liked and had been with sense the beginning. It was so quick! 15 min. after being in labor for two days! They took her out cleaned her up and handed her to me within 5 min. She was with me the whole time; daddy was their and my midwife. There are some pictures; baby was healthy and nursed quickly like a champ after self-attaching in our room post birth. It was a little sad not to have daddy cut the cord but we were so in the present moment with getting her safely out we hardly noticed.

This time around we have two birth plans, one for cesarean and one for a natural labor. (Both include daddy cutting the cord.) I have to be open to both and I fluctuate daily on this. Some days I am fine with having a cesarean. My eye is on the prize of having a healthy baby in the end. I believe in my body and know I have no real idea of how it will go. Other days I feel like a rebellious teen ready to jump on anyone even considering giving me a cesarean. I am ready to fight tooth and nail to give birth in the most animalistic way I can think of. There is nothing tidy and organized about birth. It is smelly, raw, emotional and in your face. No matter where you do it, it is the most powerful and animal act we modern womyn get to do.

Judy Chicago

 The first time I filled myself up with stories of women giving birth orgasmically in their beds at home. This was my ideal vision of birthing. It still is and it is not what we can do right now. We cannot afford a home birth and so we picked the best v-bac doctor we could find. I am considered a good candidate and she thinks I will be able to have a successful v-bac. In order to v-bac with her I have to naturally go into labor by 40 weeks. This is the kicker that scares me the most, Sweetpea came a full 2 weeks after her due date. I will try to go for a full 40 weeks but I also have to be ok with hospital policy. Grrrrr. We did hire an awesome doula that I believe will be a good liaison between the hospital and me and daddy's vision for labor. I don't want to get my hopes up too much though. As a good friend affirmed for me "hold on tightly, let go lightly." I will carry this affirmation with me into the birthing rooms of the hospital, as I fight to let my baby come naturally and be ok with whatever needs to happen.

What a challenging place and yet a growthful one too.