I am calling her shy but she really is not. I use that word to convey an apology to the adults around her when my daughter rejects them. Sweetpea is strong minded and strong willed and will not put on a show of sweetness for strangers. I have mixed feelings about this. Part of me is happy that you have to win her respect and interest that she knows she does not have to put on a show of liking everybody just because they say hi. The other part of me is worried about her being impolite and wondering why she carries all this distrust of people she is just meeting? So I use the word shy, an indifferent, non offensive term that seems to make the adults around her understand when she gives them a pouty frown and hides behind my leg till they stop noticing her.
The folks that stay in there and don't get turned off by her initial reaction get to know my daughter in all her glory. She opens up like a fresh spring crocus if they try to engage in a slower fashion. I was quite similar at her age, hiding behind my mum and warming up quickly after the first meeting. She will put on shows, is easy to laugh, and likes to play and explore and try new things. She is good at saying what she wants and she is good at showing people how she likes them on her own terms.
As she gets older I am slowly introducing social graces. Sometimes I let her know before we have an interaction or go in someplace like my work or church I say, "remember we are going to be friendly to people." She seems to get this and all it takes is a reminder once inside to get her ok with meeting new people. This usually looks like just being neutral about meeting them not exactly friendly yet.
Its a touchy balance I want her to have the tools to know how to maneuver well in our society but I also don't want the oppressive force of sexism to set up the expectation that she is always sweet or has to be. I don't like labeling her shy I think kids live up to their labels. I am looking for the right word for it. Maybe giving adults a hand with their feelings of rejection is a place to start.
Interesting post. I too was super "shy" and I do think the label added to my shyness. I came to think of my shyness as something that just was, not something I could control. On the other hand, maybe I really was just socially awkward. If I had to pick an adjective to describe young me, and I was given socially awkward or shy, I'd probably go with shy.
ReplyDeleteIs being shy undesirable? I think I prefer it to people who just throw themselves into the center of attention or peddle for compliments.
Regarding sweet pea and what to call her "shyness".. Is it bad to say, "sorry, she's slow to warm up to strangers"? It's the truth. And kids are supposed to be afraid of strangers, right? Or, "she's more of an observer than an interactor". I think that's a smart way to operate personally.
Regarding sexism and friendliness. I believe reciprocal friendliness is a great quality in all genders/sexes/ages/animals. What I HATE (as a woman and earlier as a girl) is when nasty men tell you to "smile" or say something rude about your lack of smile. HATE HATE HATE!!! AGGHHH! Can't tell you high many times it has happened to me!