How to be yourself be a mom and be a wife

I thought up this title the other day on a car ride to go pick up my daughter from pre-school. The reality of it is I am a novice at this and feel in the middle of a learning curve. In the short amount of years I have taken on these identities I have figured some stuff out I would like to share. I am writing this as much for myself to be a reminder of the important things as for you dear reader. I used the word wife because it makes me cringe every time so I feel it’s important to address that as well. All you other mothers/folks in life long partnerships if you have any thoughts around this topic please share in the comments. 

1. Communicate

Partners are not mind readers. Sometimes I wish they were. I find the second there is icky energy between daddy and I, if I address it, it goes away. No grudges, no hard feelings, just good solid truth telling. Sometimes this is really hard especially if it’s something vulnerable, which it often is, but if I get over that heart racing feeling and tell him what I really think, I always feel better. We both do.

2. Listen to your heart

My mind can go all over the place, rationalizing hurts, dwelling in feelings and minute details, trailing into uncertainty but if I listen to my mind through my heart I often know what’s best and follow the pumping organs advise. It might not always be the easiest answer but it is the most authentic and then I know I am being myself.

By Allison Paige

3. Have really close people in your life that are not your partner or kids

There is so much pressure to have your partner and family fulfill your every need for closeness. In most relationships these are the easiest folks to fall back on. I find that most folks I know need more then that. When you know you will get really good connection from a dear friend the pressure is off your partner to disappoint when they don't want to do the same things as you. When you have some folks to hang with that are not your family life seems bigger and having the option to miss your loved ones and look forward to coming back to there loving embraces is a good sensation as opposed to always having to be there.

4. Hold onto dreams no matter how impossible they seem. 

This is really important in maintaining the being your self part of being in a family. My dreams don't have the instant gratification they used to have in my early 20s. My dreams require timelines and negotiation; they require compromise and fitting into windows of time that never quiet feel like enough. But they are still my dreams and live vividly in my head. My partner gives me the focus of time and how long I have to achieve all that I want, so I keep the long range plan in mind and find ways to fulfill some of my dreams while being in the present. Keeping my dreams alive in my head helps be remember I still have all that beautiful, creative energy in me and one day I will do it all.

 5. Let go of the little things and remember the bigger picture every day

All the little S#*@t that bugs me each day has got to go. Some of it is worth communicating and following my heart about but if I let the mounds of little irritating things pile up it ruins my outlook and keeps me away from being my authentic self. We all have habits that piss each other off. Lets live with the feelings, then kick them out and move on. Some days this is easier then others so I try to wipe the slate clean at night, I sleep better because of this.

6. Have practices and rituals that are just yours that you attend to every week. 

Often if the ritual involves exercise I get the added bonus of feeling all the endorphins from movement. Even if this means spending 5 min. reading a paragraph from a book I love it really makes all the difference. It is all about checking in with myself, setting it up that my needs are just as important as the folks I care for and cohabitant with.

By Lotte Laserstein

7. Find a way to laugh and or feel delight every day/week.

This might just happen spontaneously, it does in my life and it’s easy to not notice it when I feel down. If I make an intention of feeling delight and laughter I seek out the experiences that bring it. This often involves noticing cool things about Sweetpea, playing silly games, singing, being outdoors, watching funny movies, planning out an adventure.

8. Have a freakin' date with your partner where you don't talk about parenting, finances, the future or any topic other then the pure delight of the present or sharing happy stories from the past.

Daddy and I have had dates where we end up in a tailspin about the future or we spend so much time talking about Sweetpea we don't feel like we left her at all. I have had to be intentional in this area. Thinking about what I can talk about that will just inspire us, save the heavy conversations for specified times not date night. Sweetpea can be a source of delight to talk about but sometimes its good to just leave behind the parenting role for a few hours and just focus on each other not as parents.

9. Kiss and hug your children and partner often, look for ways to cuddle and be physically close when you are together. Being close melts away the bad feelings, being close is one of the most human things we can do, it builds intimacy, reminds me why I chose to live in a partnership and brings a sense of wholeness to the grand scheme of life. Being close always brings smiles to my face and the faces of my loved ones.

10. Recognize the inequality inherent in relationships, roles and being a part of a family but don't dwell there, seek ways to change these things and also come to places of peace with the good, the bad and the serendipitous parts of choosing this life.

Radically Choosing The Un-Hip Home

In all my wildest imaginings of where I would find home I did not expect it to be Tulsa Oklahoma. After two weeks here I am still in the newness, first blush of a place I plan to live for a long time to come. I am excited, exploring like a little worm investigating the interior of a ripe apple. What layers does this city hold for me? What opportunities can our family glean from this place? What can we bring here? These questions lie on the surface of this overwhelming sensation of, I am home! I don’t have to move again!

I have chosen to have a place and community I call my own regardless of where it is. I have lived many places in my life, mostly in the Northern states. I grew up in New Haven Connecticut. As a young adult I lived mostly in the Northwest with a lot of travel to Europe and South America. Most recently I moved from Austin Texas.  My new home is buried deep in the Mid-South in a red state, so be it. I say screw moving for a job, screw the idea of moving to the over inflated markets of hip, liberal, coastal cities and living dirt poor under the confines of cool. Screw all that, I am moving to Tulsa. And Ha! in my face, it is hip here. Tulsa does have a thriving alternative scene complete with artists, climate change activists, hippie farmers, entrepreneurial young couples and pug lovers. Not as many radicals as in the Northwest but still choosing to live here. Making this place work from an alternative vantage point.

What I feel I chose is simplicity, a life based on connection to loved ones, a do-able place where I don't have to live on the edge and can write from the fringe. A place we can afford to live in and be able to buy tickets to visit the people we love in those above-mentioned hip, liberal, coastal cities. It is a relieving feeling having a place called home. My cancer crab nature has been looking for roots my whole adult life. I love the sense of time I feel in getting to know this place. There is no urgency to get to know everything right away. I can move at a tortoise pace and watch the flowers of opportunity unfurl before me.

I am living the life of an autodidact, playing with my 3 1/2 year old companion, checking out library's, museums, parks and cozying into communal living with my in laws as we make way for the huge adventure of becoming first time home buyers. 

Something about getting older has made me feel more grounded in the person I am, not striving anymore to be something greater, or in a particular culture that I have to fit into. And gosh, people are so friendly and humble here. I am really enjoying the laid back attitude of this place. I am home for now and it feels so good.

Tulsa, Where The Wind Comes Blowing Down The Plain

Hi Yip! we made it. A week of full force, months of preparations, a complete cleanse right before the journey and now a settling into our new home of Tulsa OK. After two days it has not sunk in yet. This is where we are going to live. This is the place we chose to be our own. This is the place the pros and cons list showed to many pros to ignore.

Partly why I don't feel settled is because our first home here is the place we have been visiting for years. Being at my in laws house is like being in my vacation home. Its both pleasing and disconcerting, I feel safe and welcomed in and at the same time antsy to shape this new place as my own. Our plan is to live here for a few months then buy our own house. I am choosing to take this all one day at a time. We have unloaded boxes and organized clothes, Daddy starts work on Monday, These first steps are making this place feel more like home. An icy snow storm hit today and hardy Okies barely batted an eyelash. The cafe we went to was crammed with people per any typical Sunday morning. My wimpy Northwest/Texas winter self has to get re-accustomed to living in ice and snow. The storm should melt in a few days, in time for the first hints of spring to appear.

Sweetpea and I will be exploring this town via foot, pedal and public transport, getting to know our new local library, fun parks to play at and freeish family activities. The Pea starts preschool two days a week on Tuesday. This will be her first real preschool experience. Up until now she went to a small country day care and an in home care with just two other kids. I am excited for her to have this experience, preschool was one of my happiest childhood memories. I loved playing three little pigs under chairs with other kids, singing songs and doing circle clapping games. I also loved my teacher. I hope Sweetpea warms to it in a similar fashion.

While she is at school mama will be preparing for my big art exhibition. I got into the New Genre's Art festival and will be showing my installation "Sweetpea's Gestation" for the month of April in a gallery down town. I will also be looking for more teaching artist work and grounding as an artist in our new home. As my friend Gill said, "You will be big fish in a small pond." This feels just about right for now.

This has all come together on a leap of faith, believing everything would happen in due course, gathering the support we needed to make it work and acting on what we think will be best for our family. So now we join in the love of a new community. So mote it be.

Narwhals, A Tale For The Holidays

After working a seasonal job at a holiday arts bazaar. I realized my love for the elusive narwhal is by no means unique. This lovable, mysterious beast has captured the fancy of many an artist in the land locked, hilly territory of Austin TX.  I saw narwhal cards, narwhal laser wood cut outs a narwhal mobile and a 3D ornament all sporting the unicorn of the sea. Feeling a little demoralized by seeing how popular my special animal was I still bought two of the pretty laser cutouts of this beast. One I got for me to pin to my inspiration wall and one for a friend who in the past had crushed out on the romanticness of this living, mythical beast.

My love for the narwhal began as a child. When I was around 7 years old my family and I went on a whaling adventure boat right off of Cape Cod MA. There is a picture from this era, my brother looking like an 80's hipster, shaggy black hair, muscle tea and blue Velcro sneaks. Me in a aqua windbreaker with rainbows crawling up the sleeves, long blonde hair pulled back in two barrettes. We both are pressed up against an uncomfortable looking white boat bench squinting with the sun in our eyes and looking kind of queasy. My mom told me later she gave us some sort of anti-nausea medicine for our first boat trip, the down side was it made us very sleepy. I remember the lurching boat and stumbling around feeling vaguely dream like.

Two hump back whales appeared in view, their long barnacled snouts just cresting the deep blue waves. It was enchanting watching these giant creatures up close just under our feet breaching the surface in all their immense glory. From what I recall the majority of the group of people on the boat were being dazzled by the humpbacks and scanning the water for more chance to observe them. I walked shakily across to the other side hoping to be one of the first to see a whale on the other side of the ship. That is when it appeared.

At first I could not tell what I was looking at, was it a giant icicle coming out of the ocean? What was that solid white thorn poking into the air, at first on the horizon then coming up close to our boat almost knocking into it. I rubbed my foggy eyes hoping to un-cloud my brain and really take in this bazaar sight. The horn of the narwhal. In my kid fantasy version of the story I am the only one to spot it, I don't say anything and just take it in. Though I can't imagine not telling anyone at the time and also the crew of the boat not saying anything. Also how could I have even known about the narwhal in the first place? I vaguely remember my parents giving me a print out of the whales we might see that day and thinking how outlandish and otherworldly the narwhal was.

The question is did I make this up? Did I dream up seeing an actual narwhal as a young person in the North Atlantic Ocean? Was this some kind of anti-nausea medication induced hallucination? The answer is I am sticking to it. I believe I really saw a narwhal horn. This event has kept me linked to this amazing unicorn of the sea my whole life. I have a deep connection with whales and this early memory will stay with me for the rest of my days.

I am really not surprised that others have caught onto the charms of this fascinating beast, especially in the hearts of us land locked southerners. I do love telling the artists that make these effigy's that a dreamy, determined child actually got to see one of the cherished beasts we all adore.

Happy Holidays Dear Readers!

Labeling Children

I am calling her shy but she really is not. I use that word to convey an apology to the adults around her when my daughter rejects them. Sweetpea is strong minded and strong willed and will not put on a show of sweetness for strangers. I have mixed feelings about this. Part of me is happy that you have to win her respect and interest that she knows she does not have to put on a show of liking everybody just because they say hi. The other part of me is worried about her being impolite and wondering why she carries all this distrust of people she is just meeting? So I use the word shy, an indifferent, non offensive term that seems to make the adults around her understand when she gives them a pouty frown and hides behind my leg till they stop noticing her.

The folks that stay in there and don't get turned off by her initial reaction get to know my daughter in all her glory. She opens up like a fresh spring crocus if they try to engage in a slower fashion. I was quite similar at her age, hiding behind my mum and warming up quickly after the first meeting. She will put on shows, is easy to laugh, and likes to play and explore and try new things. She is good at saying what she wants and she is good at showing people how she likes them on her own terms.

As she gets older I am slowly introducing social graces. Sometimes I let her know before we have an interaction or go in someplace like my work or church I say, "remember we are going to be friendly to people." She seems to get this and all it takes is a reminder once inside to get her ok with meeting new people. This usually looks like just being neutral about meeting them not exactly friendly yet.

Its a touchy balance I want her to have the tools to know how to maneuver well in our society but I also don't want the oppressive force of sexism to set up the expectation that she is always sweet or has to be. I don't like labeling her shy I think kids live up to their labels. I am looking for the right word for it. Maybe giving adults a hand with their feelings of rejection is a place to start. 

Wannabe Children's Librarian

Somehow this whole post I wrote was lost, so sad! I know I should save my work on more than this blog.  I often make extra copies but this time I did not and all my pretty writing evaporated into internet land.
Lets start again...

I have compiled a list of children's books I love. I recently realized I am an aficionado of the library. I have cherished library's sense I was young and have developed a keen eye for finding good books. Sweetpea has started to help, she will pull out books I did not think would be good and have greatly surpassed my expectations. this list is not complete, it is a living document. I would love it if you would share some of your favorites in the comments below. I have put them in categories to make it easier to reference. I have put some reviews but did not have the patience to review them all so please check the book out even if it does not have a review. Enjoy and pass it on! Also an acquaintance back in Olympia made a blog specifically about radical books for kids please check that out as well. 
http://revolutionthroughchildhood.blogspot.com/

Children's Books I love:

Multicultural Perspective:
"Say Hello" By Rachel Isadora (The author works in collage and makes beautiful depictions of children living in NYC. The main character in this book is a girl learning how to say hello in the many languages spoken in her neighborhood. I recommend other books by this author as well)
"Storm Boy" and "Frog Girl" By Paul Owen Lewis (Wonderful tales about Northwest US tribes. I love the pictures in these books.
"The Legend of the Blue Bonnet" By Tomi Depola (This book is complex for younger kids but worth talking about. Depola adapted this Comanche story which has some issues, ie him being white and telling a native story, but I still think the message is important.)
"Wabi Sabi" By Mark Reibstein ( Beautiful collage work, a great intro to Haiku and Japanese culture)
"Mrs. Katz and Tush" and "Rechenka's Eggs By Patricia Polacco ( I love this author, her drawings and stories are always unique and insightful. these two stories are my favorites so far, the first one is about black and Jewish cultural similarities, when do you hear about this? Not enough, also a great story of kindness and becoming friends. The second is a great tale from Russia, I love the babushka in this book, she is written so perfectly.
"Bee Bim Bop" By Linda Sue Park ( A rhyming sing song book about making this popular Korean dish. Sweetpea loves the rhythm in the book and the little girl helping to cook.)
"Mama Do you Love Me? By Barbara M. Joosse
"Auntie Yang's Great Soy Bean Picnic" By, Ginnie Lo

Depression Era/ Historical:
"The Gardener" By Sarah Stewart A wonderful story that made me tear up about a young girl having to leave her family and work and how she keeps her bright spirit alive wherever she is, very Anne of Green Gables esque.
"Peppe the Lamplighter" By Elisa Bartone Though I do not love the story of this book I think they are a little to hard on the kid, The illustrations are amazing and worth gawking over.
"Mirette on The High Wire" By Emily Arnold McCully

Environmentalism:
"Wump World" By Bill Peet (A classic from my childhood about humans affect on the green planet and animals trying to survive in the midst of it. A tale about colonization as well.)
"The Earth Book" By Todd Parr ( Todd Parr has a simple, fun way of explaining things that kids will understand about conserving the earth's resources. He also writes great books about over coming adversity.)
"The Whales" By Cynthia Rylant 
"My Garden" By Kevin Henkes
"Mama is it Summer Yet" By Nikki McClure
"The Green Mother Goose" By Jan Peck & David Davis (Retold eco wise mother goose rhymes. I use this book in teaching my classes as well as singing it to Sweetpea. This is her only mother goose book so this is how she knows these classic rhymes. :)
"Mossy" By Jane Brett (I love the illustrations in Brett's books and particularly this one. the forest comes alive in her beautiful drawings.)

Living Off the Land:
"One Morning in Maine" By Robert McClosky (Another classic from my childhood, beautifully illustrated about a family living off the land on an island in Maine.)
"Ox Cart Man" By Donald Hall
"When I was young in The Mountains" By Cynthia Rylant 

"Fredrick" By Leo Lionni (This is an all time favorite about what artists bring to a survival culture.)

Tales:
"The Hare and The Tortoise" Retold By Helen Ward  (Ward has amazing scientific quality illustrations that she adds to this classic tale. She introduces the reader to a great story and uses tons of different animals, Sweet pea and I love to talk about all the different animals we see. There is a key in back as well. She also does a full book retelling Aseop's fables I want to check out.
"Why Mosquitos Buzz in People's Ears, A West African Tale" By Verena Aardema

 Classics:
"Miss Rumphius" By Barbara Cooney (Another childhood classic, a great story about adventure and a woman making her dent in the world by herself.)
Steven Kellog Books "The Mysterious Tad Pole," "Best Friends," The Pinkerton Series, Ralph's Secret Weapon"
"Madeline" & the whole series of her books By Ludwig Bemelmans
"Blueberries for Sal" and "Make Way For Ducklings" By Robert McClosky
"Herold and The Purple Crayon"
"One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish" By Dr. Seuss
"Eloise" By Kay Thompson
"The Church Cat" & the whole series of books By Graham Oakley (I grew up hearing my mom read these books, they are British and 70's and just as much fun for parents as kids. Also hard to find and out of print mostly.)
"Little Bear Books" By Else Holmelund Minarick
"Frog and Toad" Books By Arnold Lobel
"Corduroy" By Don Freeman
"The Snowy Day" By Ezra Jack Keats

Fun:
Toot and Puddle & Top of The World By Holly Hobbie
Fancy Nancy Bonjour Butterfly & The Aspiring Artist By Jane O'Connor (When Sweetpea picked this out I hesitated, all the glitter and girlyness made me cringe. As I read the book though I could see how fun this book could be. Nancy is bright and easy to love, a fresh perspective in this high femme book.  
Betsy B Little By Anne McEvoy (Another lovable pink, ballet book about a very tall giraffe that wants to dance and overcomes obstacles related to her size to do it. The whole book rhymes and Sweetpea has memorized it.)
"SkippyJon Jones" and the series of books By Judy Schachner (Still not sure about how I feel about these books, mostly not sure about the white author taking on Latin American culture in her tongue twister tales. Still, these books are fun, a roller coaster of words and adventures centered around a  Siamese cat with a big imagination. )
"In The Town All Year Round" By Rotraut Susanne Berner (We have looked at this book twice a week for over a year now. Sweetpea loves to find new stories in the detailed pictures. Similar to a "Where's Waldo" book and a choose your own adventure series for young readers, this book shows a European town through the seasons of the year.)
"Epossumondas" By Coleen Salley

 Strong Girl Theme:
"Sally Jean the Bicycle Queen" By Cari Best (Another Sweetpea find! this book is awesome. It is an inspiring story about a girl who grows up loving bicycles and has to use her own ingenuity to make a bike of her own. Feminism, bikes and recycling all in one book!)
"Not One Damsel In Distress" By Jane Yolen (A great collection of stories all about strong female leaders. Not all are appropriate for young children, I look forward to reading and discussing them with Sweetpea as she gets older.)
 

Exploring the MET (Metropolitan Museum of Art) with Sweetpea

I strolled my sleeping child through the rows of ancient Greek statues, awed by there presence. Daddy went off to see a world war II photography exhibit, disappearing under the white tent folds of the MET's newest installation. I preferred the ceramics of antiquity. As I turned a corner to the most ancient pottery of the Mediterranean I saw her, the big, billowy, thighs and chest of an ancient mother Goddess, propped up on two metal hooks, encased in glass under soft light. She was hard to spot amongst the vases and oil urns, but she stood out for me, glowing with an aura of majesty. As I stood transfixed, the halted movement awoke my dreaming child. Sweetpea woke up with a start as she always does, immediately alert and ready to tell me something. As if being pushed in a stroller over the cobblestone pathways along central park west was a part of our daily routine. Waking up surrounded by artwork in a large, loud, echoing room was just a part of the fun of having two adventuring parents.

"What’s that mama?" Her crackly just awoke voice said pointing at the little Goddess I had found for us.  “It’s our mother Goddess Sweetpea," "Mother Goddess" I hear repeated back to me, a slight pause, "why?" I go into an explanation of how this little Goddess represents the power of women as life givers and how ancient people's worshiped this power that all women have. I lift her up and we stare at the little figure, I smell her slightly sweaty hair, and marvel in the beauty of sharing this with my daughter.

I was only a little older then Sweetpea is now the first time I came to the MET. It was a daddy daughter date in the city. There is a picture of me flat up against Cleopatra's needle in a multi-colored, terry cloth dress and blues sneakers. I remember going there, I remember walking through the Egyptian temple, and admiring the old Roman statues. I have been back many times sense. As a teenager my unschooled friends and me would rain down on NYC and meet in front of the MET. We would hang out on the front steps leading up to it and check out the fashion history exhibit in the basement. My favorite place in the museum was in the Arab section, a tiny dome made of wood, carved in intricate patterns. This dome sits in a hallway in between rooms. It is quiet, like a tree house within the vast open spaces of history and art.  


Later, with my husband and daughter in toe I walk them towards the Roman statue hall. We ended up in an atrium with a larger then life bronze statue of Perseus defiantly holding up the head of Medusa. I pointed at the statue and said "Sweetpea, look at this beautiful statue."  With a look of wonder and horror my child stares and begins a long strand of "why?" questioning. I realize after the fact what a strange statue this is to point out to her. In one room I am talking about ancient people's worshiping the great Mother, in the other room I am trying to explain Greek myth and the chopping off of a woman's head. My daughter is learning life is complex.

I have cornered myself into this conversation so I go back to the beginning, we first talk about stories, how they are different from real life. Then I talk about Medusa, what she did and why someone would want to chop off her head. It is a delicate explanation.  I am trying to explain things simply enough that she will not draw conclusions about good and bad, and will instead focus on truth and fiction. The rest of the day she reports to everyone we talk to about "Dusa, and how he chopped off her head." We still talk about it months later.

Our last stop is the Tiffany hall, we all stand awestruck in front of the huge Tiffany windows, lit from within, exuding an aura of holiness. We play make believe games with the bear statues in the hall and pretend to chop off each other’s heads. :)

There we were, only a 3rd of this grand museum explored and still content with all we got to see. We went just outside the gates to a NYC park complete with meandering benches and metal play structure letting the art of the day soak into our souls.