Crys In The Night

Sometimes parenting is a nightmare. Scrounging up all the tolerance you can muster in the thick of the night as your little precious being hits notes in the angels octave range. She is hurting, irritated, needing you at a time when all you need is yourself cuddled in a ball in the silence of your being. I thought this would stop when she got close to 1.

In the beginning you are ready for it, know it is an endurance test, co-sleep, know that this is a temporary space and time, you also just get used to not sleeping. After a few months of sleeping through the night I was lulled into the belief that this was our new norm, that is until the rumbling volcano of my child started awaking in screams 3 nights ago and flipped my sorry idea of a good nights sleep on its rear. The thing with babies is it could be that this will become our new norm for a week then she will switch back. They are unpredictable and fickle and so deeply wonderful on this base level that one has to say, it’s worth it.

Can I admit that I am an attachment parent that lets my baby cry it out alone in her crib? That I can hold the ideals of always soothing her and the reality that I am as grumpy as a gremlin when awoken 4 times in 1 hour in the wee hours of the night? Then there’s all the theories you come up with for why she has decided to start crying this week, grandparents in town, co-sleeping while g-parents take our bed, sick for 3 days, only nursing with no solids during the illness so never full enough for a growing 11 month old body? Any one of these, and probably a combo, is the culprit, but my brain does not function on that level at 12:30am when after two feedings she decides to start wailing.

It is a test of will. I will not leave the couch where I have set up camp hoping the distance will lull her back to sleep and she will not stop crying in the other room keeping our full house including me awake. Her father comes out and cuddles onto the couch, "She needs you, you know?" He says in a muffled just awoken tone, " I know" I snap back, the 4 year old in me comes out in this moment, "she will not win this time." As if her cries are a way to make me personally break. As if my daughter was having a vengeful moment for the 6-hour date we took the day before, getting us back for having an adult day at the water park without her. Daddy just laughs at my weak argument. We both lay there listening to her scream, willing her to fall back asleep. She dies down for a moment, collecting breath? Or finally done? Collecting breath wins as she aims another blast of anger into the world.

I just saw "Where The Wild Things Are" the movie by Spike Jones and got a better understanding of the un-tame side of childhood. Children show us the raw and brutal reality of human nature and human potential. I find myself often questioning why horrid things happen in this world and can see how the unfettered behavior of a hurt child shows the thread of how extreme harm and hurt happen. In the movie, Max is dealing with his own inner demons, trying to understand the oppressive experiences that happen to him and dealing with all the emotions that are balled up inside from feeling neglected. I see an over worked single mother, a distant older sister and no friends that set Max up to act out and get in trouble. He is an intelligent and creative child that has trouble controlling his wild side. The movie is a great example of child nature. It was sad and helpful to watch as a parent. Anything that helps me to remember what it was like to be young is helpful in navigating being an ally and caring for my child. It is so hard being both the enforcer and the friend and finding when to play what role.

Her wails have reached a pattern of unhappiness that I can't contain anymore. I laugh a bitter laugh and tell daddy she has won tonight. I go and pick up my stricken child and sooth her to sleep for the 4th time that night. Rocking chair and nursing tames my little beast, hopefully this calm will stick.