Incrediably Close and Isolated

I am talking about the funny contradiction that happens with young people. Being a full time mom I spend the majority of my day up close with my little one. As a breast feeding mama I am also sharing my bodies vital nutrients along with all the hugs, holding and snuggle play that make up my infants day.

Being touched is so important to my well being, I love the contact with my daughter, how she holds my legs as I walk around towering over her, or how we play snuggle on the bed and she crawls up into my lap and pats my head. I also love nursing, the sweetest bond, sharing my body with her; this time is precious and so much fun.

I also sometimes feel the urge to toss her off my lap mid-nursing session and run out of the house to some place of adult persuasion where I never have to look at another nursing pad ever again.

I crave adult stimulation, intellectual talks, adult caresses with my partner, to have me be held the way I hold her. Some days I feel so isolated, especially when the weather is too hot or cold to take her out in and we end up in the house all day. By the time my partner gets home I have hit the cabin fever high and throw myself at him chattering away about all the things I have thought of that day. I try to make extensive plans in the mere 3 hours between him arriving with our car and babies bedtime. Being a mother can be an isolated path. Even if you join all the mom clubs and see friends, if you live with your little family, the majority of your time is spent with just you and your little one.

Daddy and I come up with extensive plans to co-parent and move in with people. We talk about buying land and living in the country with a collection of good friends, raising goats and living off the land. Right now these are fantasies that keep us going each day.

Isolation can have its benefits, the cloistered life gives me more time to write and contemplate. I think my introvert and extrovert self battle it out daily, I still fight the inner demons of isolation from childhood and teenage hood. I also notice when I am uber social I sometimes loose track of parts of me I really care about. I feel spread thin and like I can't do things alone the way I like to. Alone time is precious with a baby who needs you all the time. When she sleeps I get my breaks and put in my work, writing, looking for paid jobs, identifying trees.

Sometimes mothering feels like being in a crowd of people and completely alone. You get all this good sweet energy and touch, you get all this work out and body time running and crawling after your wee one but almost no intellectual stimulation. I listen to podcasts for this, read books when she naps, call friends and have mama dates where we just talk it all out while the kids play and nurse.

My old friends and new friends invite me to parties that are way past Sweetpea's bedtime. I could go alone and sometimes I do but I long for the times when I have my partner to go with me or a good friend to stay out with and no curfew. The adult no- kid scene is sometimes to shallow and drunken for the profoundness I feel in being a parent. The parent scene is over worked and sometimes feels to adultest and boring to really connect too. There is also seriousness among parents about the stress of holding multiple identities that sometimes makes everyone seem more uptight then they actually are.

I know there is something better then this out there. I see the potential for an un-isolated parenthood and know I will continue figuring it out as my baby gets older and I acclimate more to my new role. Until then I am holding out for real intentional community and as much alone time as I need.